I was raped at the age of 12 or 13, I am now 34. For years I never told anyone what happend, to this day my mother still does not know. I felt it was my fault. I did hold the man responsable for his part, but i had to take some of the responsibility for my part in it too. He was driving a truck on a busy street by where I lived and when he saw me he hooted and hollered. I liked this attention. I was a little girl trying to be older. I gave him my phone number and we began talkin on the phone. I found out he was in his early 20's ( I dont remember his age anymore). I thought this was so cool to have this older man interested in me. We set up a time to meet. I told my parents that I was going to a friends house. I made up a name of someone they hadnt met before, this way they had no way of finding me, or finding out I wasnt where I was supposed to be. I met him around the corner from my house. When we had talked on the phone he had told me that he want ed to have sex with me, and I told him NO. I hadnt done that yet. We met and went back to his appartment ( how cool to be going out with someone with their own place!) We ended up going into his bedroom to watch TV because he didnt have one in the living room. We were watching tv and kissing a bit, and he told me we were going to have sex. I again told him no. He kept kissing and touching me. I was scared, I didnt know what to do. I had no way of getting home, and there was no way I could call my parents and tell them that I lied to them. He ended up raping me and then leaving me on the bed to go take a shower. He dropped me off a few houses away from my home. I went in and went up to the bathroom. There was blood in my underware and blood on the toilet paper. I didnt know that would happen. I was scared to death, and still I didnt tell anyone.
I delt with it ok, I had friends and a few boyfriends. I finally told some friends about it, and always maintained that my going there and lying was my fault. It wasnt untill I had been married to my husband for a few years that he finally really did convince me that going there was bad judgement on my part, but that the fault of the rape was totally this mans.
I have alot of admiration for women and girls who do come forward and try to prosicute their attackers. I wish I would have done something about it. I know its scary and hard to talk about, but its necessary for YOU to do it for youself.
I just caught the last bit of the Montel Williams show about young girls being raped. I would like to share my story in the hopes of helping all young ladies understand they are survivors (or can be). Between the ages of 12 and sixteen, I was raped by my father. Three times a week was a slow week. I never said anything because when my older sister did, she was not believed. My mother sent my sister to an uncle to live. This same uncle had raped me when I was visiting and continued on my sister until she was 18. I won't go into any gruesome details. Our stories are all different, but the same. We were victimized and shamed. Although my mother denied ever knowing what was going on, I'm certain she did. Eventually, I had the opportunity to prove to my mother and the police that my father had been raping me for years. This made front-page headlines in our little town. My father confessed on his 40th birthday "to save my reputation". I was never allowed to date, go to dances, etc., so I didn't have any type of reputation to save other than being a "hillbilly" farm girl. Two months after my father was arrested, my mother dropped the charges. Because I was a minor, I had no say in the matter. The towns people shunned me. My mother would beat me and blame me for her failed marriage. She accused me of taking her husband away from her. My senior year in high school was torture. I became wild; drank, skipped a lot of school and just barely passed. Six months after graduation, I went into the Navy. That was not my escape; that was my dream since the age of 5.
It was years before my mother would listen to what I had to say. Even then, I'm not sure she believed me; I do know she died loving the man who raped her daughters.
Now, I'll tell you how old I am and how long it took me to deal with the rape. I am 48 years old. I had my first child when I was 27. I've been married four times. My third husband is the father of all three of my children. When my youngest was born, she was very sick. For months, the doctors were stymied. My baby and I were sent to a child psychologist. It didn't take long for the psychologist to realize my baby didn't have an illness, her mother did. I was 30 years old when I found out I never dealt with what happened to me. I was diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder. My life was miserable. My husband could not deal with the embarrassment. Three years later, he left me and my children.
I have skipped a lot of my history because this e-mail would become a book. The ending to this story is, I have been in counseling since the age of 30. Before counseling, my other personality weathered the storms for me. She hates men; ergo, 4 husbands. I was so dysfunctional, no one wanted to be around me. Through extensive counseling and evaluating myself, I am a more pleasant person to be with. My counselor has told me for a few years now that I don't have to continue with counseling. But I feel I do. She is my security blanket.
I write this for one reason. With the right counselor, each of you victims can become a SURVIVOR. It takes a lot of talk, a lot of tears, a lot of anger. We are still human beings and we have a right to be happy. We are not to blame for what happened to us. Weak, cowardly people needed to try and make others weak. If you fight back for your freedom, your sanity, your peace of mind, you will be stronger. There is a light at the end of this outrageousness.
When I found out that I had many emotional problems brought about by my childhood, I chose to fight back. I would not, nor will I today, let anyone control my life again. I'm a proud individual. I didn't, and do not, want people's sympathy; I want their understanding. I'm happy to say that today, I am a fully functional individual who has raised three wonderful children on my own since the oldest was 6. He is now a Junior in college, my oldest daughter is a Freshman in college, and my youngest is a Senior in high school, preparing to go to college in June (hopefully with a full scholarship for ROTC). I have always maintained a job. I found the real me, the nice, caring individual.
I have a boyfriend (yes for you young girls, we old ladies still need love too. LOL) who is very sweet and loving. I've dealt with my MPD and she is under control. There is hope for all of you. Be strong. Anything you do to get over this, do for yourself. Don't let the perpetrator win!!
I love you all
This will actually be the first time I have even talked about this... Nobody even knows. However, I am still going through a pretty hard time with it. I guess I blame myself because I was probably somewhere I shouldn't have been, but it seemed so harmless at the time. Then on top of that I had been drinking a good bit...
But let me tell you a little bit about myself... I met this wonderful guy, and the fact of how we met was very romantic. I fell in love with him and he with me. About 6 months later he asked me to marry him, I said yes. The ring was beautiful, exactly what I had wanted. We moved in together and it was good at first, but then it seems we went through all the problems from financial, to parents, house cleaning that married couples go through and we weren't married yet.Money was extremely tight, and I found myself blaming him b/c he was the one that had gotten into debt before he met me and we were both supposed to be going back to college but with both of us having to work full-time just to be able to have a roof over our heads and creditors not calling on the phone ten times a day wanting money, it seemed impossible until those debts were paid off.
We started fighting alot, I started drinking alot. I was never a big drinker before that, but between the problems, missing my family, his depression of not being back in school knowing it was his own fault and me blaming him for it too, I was sunk into a deep depression and turned to alcohol to escape everything. That ofcourse only made things worse. It seemed we couldnt even talk anymore without one of us getting angry or being sensitive. It just got to the point of not even looking forward to coming home to an apartment we were working our butts off to pay rent to. It was a bad cycle that just got worse.
To make a long story a little shorter, we separated as far as living together. He left and went to live back with his mother who lives here, but we were still together trying to work through our problems. I was even attending A.A. b/c I was scared I had become an alcoholic...
During this time of separation and personal growth, I had made some friends where I worked who weren't exactly a positive influence on the goals I was trying to reach during this time, but they were somewhat of a comfort at the time. Well, of these friends was a guy, we were just friends though and I felt like I could trust him. One night, my friend wanted to introduce me to this "cool" guy he had met who was in town doing some construction here. He was staying with his boss and his girlfriend in an rv close by, and had invited my friend and any of his friends to come by and have drink or two. It seemed so harmless. As it turned out my friend and I were the only ones who came by, but we weren't planning on staying long.
Well, we had a couple of drinks and we were having a good time and then we had a few more drinks and pretty soon we getting pretty sloshed. Since it was in walking distance it wasnt a big deal when my friend said he had to go. This guy we were drinking with seemed ok and I was planning on leaving right after him. But I had to go to the bathroom really bad since I had drank do much and decided to do that first. After I get out of the bathroom, this guy is standing right outside the door and I ask if my friend was gone yet and he said yes and starting backing me in to the spare room right by the bathroom. (Keep in mind this was an rv and it was close quarters b/c it was small) I told him thanks for the nice time but I was ready to go. He said ok, I just wanted to tell you something now that your friend is gone. He sounded concerned and I didnt feel in danger so when he asked to sit down I did. The only place in the small little room to sit was the bunk bed. He then sits down and tells me that he thinks my friend likes me and that I should be careful of him because he seems a little off. I was just like ok, I mean I was tired, drunk and ready to go home and go to bed.
Next thing I know he says well, I like you, you are very pretty and I am very attracted to you. Then he tries to kiss me and I pushed him away. I was not looking for anything like that. Well, he didnt like that so then he says I want to have you, I bet you are so good. Drunk as I was, I knew what that meant so I start moving for the door and he gets in my way. I cant go around him because there was no room, it was a very small room. Then he reaches behind him and shuts off the light and in the next second pushes me onto the bed. I almost hit my head on the top bunk he was so quick and careless. He pretty much pinned me down with his body and even though he wasnt that big he was so strong. I kept trying to move his arms from me but it was no use. I kept saying no, I didnt want this happen, stop, everything. My legs were useless to because he was on them. Then he says he was going to get to have me.
This part is so painful because I didnt want him, I didnt want anyone but my fiance. He is the love of my life and I would never cheat on him or do anything that would hurt him on purpose. As much as tried to fight this guy, he dropped his pants while pinning me down and snathces my button fly jeans and breaks two buttons off (I realize later) tearing them open. He ripped my underwear off and forced himself inside me. It hurt so bad, physically and emotionally. I cant understand why rapist find sex enjoyable when the person they are raping dont want any part of it. It was so ugly and disgusting and even while it was happening I kept trying to get him off me, even though I felt like it was to late, He had already forced me to cheat, and do something I didnt want to do. I then began to cry, begging him to stop and he says no way, you are to good. Those words still ring in my ears.
After it was over he tells me to get dressed and get out, like I was some kind of slut or something. I was already gathering my clothes and trying to get out of there as fast as I could and then he says dont bother telling anyone about this, we are pulling out of here bright and early tommarrow anyway, so it wont do you any good. I was just in so much shock, when I was home, (I lived alone then) I took a long shower trying to make sense of what just happened. I blamed myself and thought how it was all my fault for going over there and being niave.
I didn't tell a soul until now. Whenver it enters my mind I just push it out, I wont let myself think about, I try to pretend it didnt happen. I feel like Im not even the same person anymore. I feel I betrayed the man I love, and its not fair, I wouldnt have elected to do that to him. But I feel like it's better left unsaid, I'm sure he would blame me for being there and drinking and putting myself in that situation. But my niavity didn't see a situation, it didn't see danger until it was staring me right in the face... and then it was to late. I wish I could go back and make it go away, but I know that it's impossible. I appreciate you reading my story, it feels good to finally let it all out. I will update this story at a later date. Things are better now, and I'm still working on it all, it's just hard doing it alone. But in all things, love prevails. Love of friends, family and people like you who care. Thanks. Together we will get through it.