I'm a little scared to tell my story knowing that alot of people are going to read it, but then again maybe I'll give someone enough courage to tell their story.
My story is long but stick with me ok.the abuse started when I was 4, thats just as far back as I can remember it hapening to me. I spent alot of time at my grandmas house where some of my cousins lived at the time, and the cousins who weren't living with my grandma lived close by and we all were always together.One of my cousins who was a girl and who was just 3 1/2 years older than me would touch me all the time I guess I just didn't know any better because I would just let it happen and I don't remember ever telling anyone.
I remember this one time after I had gone to the bathroom my grandma came in there and I told her that I was sore "down there" and she said "has "A" been touching you again?" I don't know why but I said no. that happend with her until I was about 9. Then it just stopped.Not to long ago when I would think about that I would wonder, was that just experamenting or was that abuse? now I know it was abuse. Now I wonder where she got that from.I wonder if someone abused her.That was just the begining.
Between that time one of my other cousins who is a guy and who is 1 year younger than me also would touch me.That happened until I was like 16. He lived with my grandma so whenever I would spend the night there he would find ways of touching me, like tickling and stuff. One night I woke up to him "grinding" on me I told him to stop it, and I fell back to sleep (a bunch of us were sleeping on the floor) and I woke up again to him touching! my bare breast,I was so disgusted, and scared I didn't tell anyone.I thought it was all over when he moved out, I was wrong.When I was 17 my grandpa died it was really devastating, the night of his funeral I went over to my uncles house (his dad) and we were all drinking, after thier,(he has a twin sister) dad went to sleep, me "L" and "J" sat around talking and "J" went to sleep and I was going to go in the room with her he grabed me and he raped me then he told me to take a shower, I didn't.All I could do is sit in a chair and cry. I never told anyone I just acted as if nothing ever happend.
Also from the time I was 7 until 14 I was molested by my step-sister she was 3 years older than me.Whenever she was at my house and not at her dad's she would touch me, sometimes I would touch her back, sometimes I would lay there hoping she would stop,yet I would never say anything. my dad left her mom when I was 14 because she was abusive to him and to me physically and emotionally.she would always call me nigger and hit me,but thats another story.so that was the end of that.
When I was 16 I was rapped by someone who lived by me, I had never talked to him before that time.It happend at some kind of a park or something,it was dark and I wasn't familiar with the town because I just moved there. My friend at the time said she knew these guys, there was like 3 guys and me and her, they drove to this park, and we all got out of the car, I had to go to the bathroom, so I told my friend who was drunk that I was gonna find somewhere to go.I went on the other side of a little building, there was absolutely no other light, but the head lights of his car witch was shinning away from me. Anyways I heard footsteps and I said If you look at me I'll scream, he said he wouldn't, so after I was done I started to walk around the building, all of a sudden he grabbed me and pulled me in to the building, and I felt that he was shaking so I got really scared then. He told me to perform oral sex on him so I did .I was so scared of what he would do to me if I didn't he! was a really big guy.Then he pushed me up against the wall, took my pants down, and told me to put his penis in me. I said no please don't do this, he yelled at me so then I did and he raped me , I started to scream because of the pain he told me to be quiet or someone would here me.I was so scared I kept on telling him to stop but he didn't, he would just do it harder,then when he was done and pulled it out I heard what sounded like a cup of water dumped on the cement floor I soon realised it was my blood. He left me in there I pulled up my pants and tried to find my friend only to find out that she was having sex with one of the guys. the guy who raped me went down to the water and washed off his hands he had blood all over his pants,i did to. we got in the car and he said youre not going to tell anyone are you? I said no,but I told my friend, she asked if he hurt me, I said yes, then she passed out.After that I became very permiscuious.
I only told some of my friends about some of the stuff that happend to me but no adult.One time one of my friends told my step-mom #2 that I was raped by my cousin she said I was probebly just saying that for attention.I have never been to counseling for that but I'm really considering it now.I'm now 21 I have a 1 1/2 year old boy. I'm getting married to a wonderful man in October and for the most part I'm happy.I am just so scared of telling anybody, but I really want to get justice for the rapes, I just don't know If I'm strong enough. I now have been diagnosed with panic disorder and mild agoraphobia.I'm a surviver.
Well my story started when I was just a mere child at the age of 2. My father began sexaully molesting me at that age and it continued until I was 10. During that time I was also being molested by the pasters son. I told my mother about my father after my parents divorced (but not about the pastors son until a long time later) and my she pressed charges. My father ran away to Mexico so he never really served any time for what he did to me. Then, my mother and I moved to Texas. She wanted to have a better life for her and I so she moved to California and I stayed at my cousins house.
While staying at my cousins house I was rapped by my cousin, his friend and his brothers friend for a period of 2 years. I never told anyone because I did not want to cause problems in the family.
Now I am 24 years old living in California, graduated from college and teaching in a middle school. The one thing that I remember my father telling my mother when I was young was that I was going to be bare foot and pregnant by the time I am sixteen. I am happy to say that I have no children and that I will be getting married this summer
I wrote my story earlier, but I have good news, to help replace the horror that I experienced almost a year ago. I had my first consensual intercourse yesterday. It was amazing. It wasn't the greatest thing I have ever experienced but he was so gentle and patient with me. I was really nervous but he was so caring and gentle. I am so lucky to have a partner who was so caring and nurturing to introduce me to how beautiful sex can be. I was scared that I would think about the rape I experienced, but survivors: I can't tell you how different it was. I thought that all sex was going to be painful and forced. I thought that I would feel shameful and dirty... again. But it was so different. He cared about me. He told me he loved me and that everything was safe. We held eachother and made love.I am so greatful. I just wanted to share my progress. My rape will always be in my history, but so will my true first time. I hope you all continue to find healing. Take care.