They say rape by a stranger is very rare so I guess I was just unlucky. Maybe it was my fault for standing alone at a bus stop after dark but thousands of people do the same without harm. Should you make a run for it every time a couple of men approach you?
If only I had ran that night. Instead I felt a hand over my mouth as I was grabbed from behind, and dragged behind a block of garages. I was so shocked and petrified that I didnít even cry out as they fell on top of me, pulling my clothes off until they had stripped me naked.
I cannot describe the fear I felt. I was shaking so much that I couldnít move or speak. I just couldnít believe what was happening to me. I didnít deserve it. Iíd never hurt anyone in my life. Why did they want to hurt me like this?
I remember being forced to get down on my hands and knees as one of the men got behind me. I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my bottom as he began having anal sex with me. It was worse then I could ever have imagined. It was as though I was being ripped apart from inside, as though he had stuck a burning knife inside me. The more I cried out the more he tried to hurt me. I thought Iíd die from the pain.
Finally the first man climaxed inside me, only for the other one to take his place and subject me to further anal intercourse. Whilst this was going on the first man decided to humiliate me even further, slapping my face and forcing me to clean my feces off his penis with my mouth. It was the most revolting thing I have ever had to do.
I never knew such cruelty and depravity existed in the world until that night. They used me like a piece of meat, like a whore, and all I wanted was to put out of my misery.
Then it was over. The whole thing probably lasted half an hour but it has ruined my life and Iím only 17. The only comfort I take is from the stories of others who have been through a similar experience and have managed to come to terms with it. As the new year begins I just prey that I will find the same strength.
I'm not sure I am ready to tell my story. I do have a few things to say though..if my story flows out after that, so be it.
The first things I want to say is that I think it is sickening that SO MANY of these survivors feel the need to start their stories with..." It wasn't really as bad as what happen to some of you" or " I feel so guilty that this is upsetting to me. It really isn't much" or " I'm sorry if I offend some of you because my story is not awful and some of you were really hurt". WE WERE ALL HURT!! WE WERE ALL CONTROLLED AND HAD OUR A PART OF OUR LIVES STOLEN!! It doesn't matter if your dad forced himself on you for 15 years or if you had a cousin touch you once when you were 8. WE ARE ALL IN THE SMAE PLACE! Please don't apologize! It wasn't your fault. You can get through it without taking blame.
If I could take my own advice I would be so much the better. Like I said, I am not ready to spill it all out...but I will not take the blame. I was molested by a babysitter at age 5 who forced me to do stuff to her and my little brother. I was froced to suck on a friend's borther's dick at age 6...a man form church at age 9..raped at age 14 and again at 17 by the same guy.. my father used me for eye candy and his personal toy... I am not ready to tell because in the past whenever I have, I have been scolded or beaten or kicked out of high school or arrested.... I am not ready to tell. BUT I AM NOT SORRY!
I was raped by a coworker...a man I considered a friend. I had only known him four months. We went out on one date right after we met. Looking back, I should've known he was trouble. On that date, he kissed me that night. That kiss just didn't seem to be a normal first date kiss. It seemed to go on forever. Right after that, I had him take me home. We talked on the phone on and off for about a week and that was the end of it..until the night it happened.
I was 28 in June of 1998. I was in a bar with some friends. Most of my friends are people that I have met at work. I was extremely intoxicated. He wasn't there with us. He had gotten there after us and joined our table. I remember kissing him at the table. I don't know why. Before I knew it, we were all dancing. I began to feel sick so I asked him to take me home. We left the bar and got my purse from my car. He offered to drive me home. I was so sick and he lived just down the street, so I asked him to take me there instead.
Once we were at his house, I went straight to the restroom and threw up. He stayed in there with me. Once I collected myself, I called a friend and left her a voicemail as to where I was and that I was ok. Little did I know. We decided I would just sleep there. I used to be a very trusting person. I asked to borrow a shirt and climbed right in the same bed with him. I don't know what I could have been thinking. The next thing I knew, he was under the shirt. Before long, he had climbed on top of me and penetrated me. I told him I did not want to have sex with him. He stopped when I got sick again. After helping me back to bed, he penetrated me again. I told him to stop again, but he didn't until I got sick. And he helped me to and from the restroom again. Once we had laid back down, he penetrated me, again. This time he was more forceful and it hurt. I was telling him I did not want to have sex with him. This time I had to basically beg him to stop.
Once he stopped, we talked for a bit. We fought some. He basically implied that I wanted a relationship with him and then this would have all been ok with me. I told him that I would actually preferred it never to have happened. I don't know why I stayed for any length of time. All I can say is I was very drunk and I stayed. Looking back, it seems ridiculous to me. I should have went running out of there as if I were running for my life, but I didn't. It was as if I was trying to work it out with him, somehow make it better.
I did finally leave. He drove me back to my car and I drove myself home. The next day, I woke to feelings of shame, filthiness, and doubts. I felt this was rape, but I felt I had brought it on by being so drunk in the first place. Also, I had liked this man. I was questioning if there was any truth as to what he had said. I didn't cry until I took a bath that day. My ex-husband called me to let me know he was bringing my son back home from visitation. He immediately knew something was wrong. He was the first person I told. He couldn't understand why I did not want to go file a police report. It took me a week to file that report, but I finally filed it. Unfortunately, it went no where with no evidence. I talked about this to several of my female friends at work. One woman told me basically that I deserved it, it wasn't rape because I didn't leave, and that I should just pretend it never happened. I really liked her and respected her opinion. She made me feel awful. I went to speak with the rape crisis center. The counselor there told me it was indeed rape. She was concerned because I wasn't upset over the situation. I've always dealt with problems by trying to laugh them off. People seldom see me cry. She said I was almost giggling as I told her the story. I don't doubt that she believed me, but I think she knew what I would be headed for and would need help. I did not continue that help there. I did see another therapist right after that. This woman told me it was indeed rape, also. She also told me if she were in my shoes, she would make sure that any eligible woman that I came in contact with should know what happened to me and by whom. I did tell all the single women at work about this. This "man" was good looking, seemed nice, and didn't have much trouble getting dates. I had heard he was already interested in dating another girl much younger at work. I feared for her. He transferred to another job in another city within a year. I still run into him at company functions now and then. You can feel the hatred in the air. A few weeks after I had been raped by this man, I found out some startling information. He had been married to my friend's sister. My friend told me that the reason his sister left him was because he was raping her. She would tell him she did not want to have sex and he would have sex with her anyway. It is clear to me now that this "man" does not care about other human beings. He is only out for himself and what he wants.
My recovery, if you could call it that, I now realize is an ongoing thing. It has been 3 1/2 years since I was raped. I have been on one date since then. I am still interested in men, but it's hard to trust people. I weighed 130 in 1998, and I now weigh 180. I stay home and watch tv or spend time with my son, mostly. I might go out once every two months or so with friends. I hear others talk about self inflicted injury and wonder if that is not what I am doing with the weight gain. I hardly even clean house anymore.
I guess with the new year coming up, I've just been thinking about my life and where I am now. I've decided several things.
1. No is No. If you said no and he has sex with you anyway, that is rape. It is pure and simple. I don't care if you are drugged or drunk, no is no. And it's a shame that society has programmed everyone to think that the victim is at fault under any circumstances, especially when they have said NO.
2. If you have ever been through sexual abuse, you need to have someone to talk to about it. If you are uncomfortable with a counselor, trust a friend or relative. If that is not an option, find a message board on the internet. That's what I did and a very nice ladies gave me some heartfelt advice.
3. If you are a victim of sexual abuse, report it. Report it with evidence, if at all possible. These "people" that use sex as an act of violence need to be punished.
I am a survivor. I am alive and from here on out, I am going to live that life for me and my son. I will not let that pervert ruin my life or my happiness. There is no way I am going to let him win. I will never be the woman I was before that awful night, but I am a new woman. There will never be a day that I do not wish that had not happened to me, but it is the past and I cannot change it. I can only deal with the present and future days of my life. With the help of God and my angels on Earth and in Heaven, I will get through this. I will live, again. My prayers to everyone who ever had to deal with this and those in the future, also.