I am now sixteen. My birthday was yesterday. I feel like a new chapter in my life has begun. Court is in ten days,my dad is coming to support me. This is a new thing for me that my dad is being so supportive. Yesterday my mother(who I haven't spoken to for almost a year contacted me by way of giving me a birthdy present. When I phoned her she was really nice and she may now be a part of my life. I was shocked to say the least.The last week I was pretty depressed,thinking that I was a little insignificant speck in the world. I realize that even though I went through a really horrible expirience that I am going to make it.I AM A SURVIVOR!!! I am going to live and the rest of you will too even though it may not feel like it sometimes. I just wanted to let everyone know that I was patient and my life picked up again all on it's own. I am feeling a peace that I thought was long gone. I AM GOING TO MAKE IT!!!
Anna R Barnhart
Truth be told I'm not sure I even know my story. I know what happend and I know I didn't want it to. I can't identify my emotions and until recently I was fine with that. Denial can be a wounderfull place for only so long. Apperantly my time has ran out.
So the easy part for me is saying I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. So clinical, In laymans terms, my father was a creep and raped me, his four year old daughter. I am also the servivor of two rapes. For some reason the date rapes are easier to acknowledge.
Honestly Im not sure why I feel compelled to do this. Reading every one elses stories has brought it all to my mind and i guess I just want to unload.
So hear goes. I believe it was in the winter or late fall. I only wanted a cup of hot cocoa. I asked him to make me one. It gets a little fuzzy from there but the next thing I remember is being on the couch. He was on top of me kissing me and touching me in ways that I was unfamiliar with. I kept woundering what was going on and hoping he would stop. He was talking to me the hole time but I don't remember what he said. I know I asked him If I could have my cup of cocoa know and he said in a minute. That was when he unzipped himself pulled out his penis. I didn't see it but I felt it, I will never forget the feel. He rubbed me with it for a short while and then stuk it in. I don't remember crying or much of anything else. I told him it hurt and he said that it was normal and would evenualy stop. I asked him to stop, he didn't. funny after that I just stared at the can of hershey's cocoa that he had set on the back of the couch erlier. I just layed there and stared. When it was over he made me my cup of cocoa, I don't think i drank it. I just sat there at the age of four with the relization that something bad happened at knowing I was not the same kid, I never was again
I really don't know where to start and i really don't know why i am doing this. Well here goes...
When i was four I was placed into states custody b/c my family could not take care of me. Well I guess i need to skip a few years. When I was 8-9 I was placed in my 3rd foster home As soon as i moved there David(his real name who was 15 and also my foster brother) started touching me and he told me that if i ever told anyone that I would be in big trouble and that he would hurt me. Then he finally got to where he was raping me and im not sure if that is what you could call it b/c I thought it was both ok and not ok. Then I started telling him that i did not want to play his games anymore and he started getting violent. My sister ask me if he had been hurting me and I told her no then she ask me the next day and I told her yes He had tried it with her too but b/c they were the same age she was able to stop him. Well my sister told our case worker and we moved the only problem with that was that we only moved across town and i still saw him 3 times a week for another year and a half b/c we went to the same church. I had buried it but now i am starting to have dreams again I thought that i was over it but i guess that i wasn't. Thanks for reading my story.