I'm not so sure what to make of my story. I wasn't raped, so I'm not even sure it belongs on here. I've decided that this is the safest place to tell it tho, so here it is.
When I was in 3rd grade, I was best friends with my neighbor whose name was Kimmy. I had a HUGE crush on her older brother Patrick and was always hanging out with her, at her house or mine. Patrick always had friends over and i always felt special when they'd talk to me and recognize i exsisted.
One day i rang her doorbell and her mom let me in. She told me Kimmy was downstairs and to go on down. When i went down there i heard giggling and a boy's voice from underneath a long table. The table had a red and white checkered table cloth over it that touched the floor all the way around. I lifted it up and Kimmy and Patricks friend "David" were under there, Kimmy naked and david with his pants and boxers off. I dont remember exactly how old they were...at least 13. They had two bowls of chips, one with potato chips and the other with cheetos. David told me to come sit down, and being stupid, i did. i reached for a cheeto and he took the bowl. "do you want one?" he asked. i nodded and told him to gimme the bowl. "you can't have a chip until you play our game." i asked what game it was and he pulled off my pants and underwear. I grabbed his hands and told him to stop and said i wanted to go home.
he told me i couldnt leave until after i had played for a little while. i tried to get up but he took my wrist and put my hand on his penis. he told me that i had to "kiss" it and to watch how kimmy did it. I watched her and told him i didnt want to, he said i wasnt allowed to leave until i did, and me being the stupid child i was, believed him. I did just as kimmy had and then asked if i could go home. He said no, now he had to "kiss" me. He bent down and kissed me where i knew nobody was ever suppose to touch me. i felt his tongue go a lil bit inside of me and i pulled away. he told me i had to do what he did to me, to kimmy now. i said no i didnt want too and he yelled at me. he told her to do it to me, to show me how. i watched as my best friend went down on me, not thinking that any of this was wrong and being quite calm through the whole thing. he made me kiss her and when i started crying is when he gave me a chip, and my pants and told me to leave.
for years i didnt even remember that day. i still cant remember what i did when i went home, or why i didnt just leave, or scream for help. i remembered the story in 7th grade, years after id moved away to a different county.....
i was going out with a boy a year older then me agewise...but 2 grades above me. i was 13 and he was 14...almost 15 in 9th grade. one day the boy (jay), another boy (andrew) and me were sittin on the top of my driveway because nobody was home at my house...and i wasnt allowed to have boys inside when nobody was home. we were playing cards and they kept harassing me to go on over to jays house, wehre nobody was home either.
i kept saying no, because i didnt feel right about it, being the only girl with no one home. they finally said alright, and asked for me to come with them and stand outside the hosue while they went in and got drinks. i agreed, finding no harm in that at all. so we walked across the street and i stood outside the garage while they both went in. they came back out around 5 min later laughing with a roll of duck tape in their hands. i asked what that was for and neither answered me.
jay picked me up and follwed andrew to the back of the house, me thinking this was a joke just laughed at told him to put me down. when he didnt i started kicking and told him i was serious. he put me down on a lawn chair and andrew grabbed my wrists. Jay got ontop of me and pinned me down while andrew put tape over my mouth to shut me up. he then taped my wrists underneath the part of the chair that reclined...and then reclined the chair back....crushing them. i managed to get the first peice of tape off and screamed at the pain in my wrists. he put another peice of tape on and moved my wrists a little bit, relieving some of the hurt. jay whispered over and over again into my ear "we're going to throw you in the pool when we're done" and i remember being more scared of drowning then anything else.
luckily for me...his mom came home and screamed at them to untie me. i got up, rubbed my extremely bruised wrists and went home.
i dont know what to make of any of this, but thank you so much for listening, that means the world to me.
I was really close with him, I never thought that he would do something like this to me. I trusted him. One night me and my friends were drinking and smoking some weed.Then when I went home to go to sleep one of my male friends brought me some more alchol and I drank some more. Alot more. Then I went in to go to sleep. This guy that I was friends with for years came over. He had been trying to hook up with me for years but we always remined "Just Friends" But lately I had been talking to him on the phone alot and we were starting to like each other. I was planing on telling him that things weren't going to work out since me and my ex got back together. He called at about 3:45 in the morning to see what I was doing and who was at my house. I told him that my mom was gone for the night and to come over for a minute so I could talk to him. But not to have his friend leave because he wouldn't be able to stay long. He got dropped off anyway. So after I told him I couldn't see him anymore his friend was gone by then. He said he would use the phone to tell him to come pick him up after I let him see my 3 mounth old son(who he had not yet seen) I led him to my bedroom.
He looked at my son for a while then he reached over and started to kiss me. I told him that I couldn't do that with him but he continued. He leaned against me and I fell on the bed( that's how drunk I was) He started kissing me and touching me all over. Iit felt like he had a thousand hands. I was trying to stop him but he would just take them from one area to another. Then he slid my shorts to the side and stated eating me out. After about 3o or 45 seconds I realized who he was(not my boyfriend) and asked him to stop. He started pulling at my shorts and I was trying to pull them back up and they ripped and he snathched them down and put his body in between my legs. And put my hands over my head and started taking off his pants. Then I tried to close my legs and scoot higher in the bed. Then I passed out. When I woke up he was inside of me. I wasn't wet at all and It felt like fire. Pain, burning and him throbing inside me. I started to struggle and to scream. I tried to move higher so it would come out and when It did he would just jam it bak in harder. The more I struggled the worst i got.He kept telling me how long he had waited for this and I couldn't back out now. I got really close to giving up but I didn't. I continuued to pass out and wake back up but there really wasn't much that I could do. After about an hour and a half he got off me and took the condom off and laid it on my stomach.Then I laid there untill I heard the door slam and I wondered who I could call. Nobody it was too late. When he left it was 5:47a.m. So I decided not to call anyone and not to tell anyone. But I told a couple people later that day.
I had alot of doubts after that day. Could I have done more, should I have let him kiss me, was it really rape, did I lead him on, why did he do this to me? Well I have answers to some of these questios but to most of them I will never know. All that I have to beleieve is that"IT'S NOT MY FAULT,IT'S NOT MY FAULT, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, MABIE IF I SAY THAT ENOUGH I MIGHT BELIVE IT MYSELF, BUT IS IT MY FAULT? I hope one day I begin to believe that so I can finally be at peace. So I can say NO again and not be afrid of the consequences. So I can live again.
I suppose it begins on July 3rd, 1997. It was the summer before my eighth grade. My family went to one of those "traveling caranvels" in the city where we used to camp during the summer. That day i ran into a guy i used to be friends with when i was 7 or 8. We spent the whole day together, and the next day. We watched the fireworks. I was so excited. I had never had a boy be interested in me before. It never struck me odd even once that he was going to be a sophomore in high school. I never gave him my phone number and it was unlisted, but somehow he got it. He asked me out, but as I lived a half hour away from him and neither of us could drive, we only saw each other once a week. he kissed me the second time i saw him after the fourth of july. i had always gone to catholic school and i was scared by it and freaked out a little.
he didn't kiss me again until after the halloween dance at his high school. soon after that he began pressuring me to have sex, but i always told him no. he always told me how much he loved me, how wonderul i was. he usually followed this up with jealous questions about the boys in my school. i had always been a tomboy and had a lot of guy friends, but i learned right away to never mention them because if i did, he would get very angry, asking me why i didn't love him and if i was going to leave him for my friend. i would always tell him that i loved him, and i would apologize to him.
the first time he hit me was when i got my left ear pierced a second time. he was furious when he saw it, and told me that i looked like a pirate. the he hit me hard, across the face. i flew off the couch onto the floor and before i could get up he was there, kissing my and promising to never do it again. and he didn't. instead he would "play fight" with me, even in front of my parents, whenever we disagreed. he would slap me lightly over and over again, just enough so it stung. eventually i stopped fighting back and would jsut cower against a wall. then he started picking me up. he would grab me by my shirt and slam me into walls whenever i upset him. he would always apologize for it. and i always forgave him.
from the second time we kissed, he was pushing me to get sexually involved with him. at first he backed off when i would stop him from touching me, but eventually he would get angry, and i got hurt when he was mad, so we fell into a pattern. we would fight, he would hurt me, i'd cry, he'd apologize. we'd kiss. he's try something more, touching me, laying on top of me, and i learned if i was quiet and let him do what he wanted, he would stay in a good mood.
on may 23, 1998, when we had been dating almost a year, he raped me. i remember it like it was last night. we were sitting on the couch in our summer house, everyone else was out for the day. he started kissing me, and was eventualy pressed right up against me. i started to pull back from him, but i was laying down with him on top of me. i tried to sit up, but he stopped me. i tried to push him away and he grabbed my wrists and pinned my hands behind my back, forcing all of his weight on top of me. he looked like he always did when he was angry, so i waited. he kissed me hard, and i was so glad that he wasn't mad that i kissed him back. he began messing with the hooks on my overalls, and undid them and my buttons. he pulled me overalls down, and i remember asking what he was doing, and struggling to be let up. he leaned over and whispered in me ear "not this time whore." then he began undoing his pants. i was really nervous, and started to tell him loudly to get off of me. he pushed all his wieght onto my chest, and pulled his left arm up so that his forearm was crushing my throat. i was choking and struggling for every breath. i could feel his breath on my neck, and he pulled his pants down enough to expose himself. i started crying. he slapped me hard, and i could barely breathe, so i was sobbing noislessly with tears streaming down my face as his right hand moved between my thighs. i could feel him between my legs. i was crying and shaking, and i think at that point i went into shock. i tried to get free by kicking my legs, but he was older, bigger and stronger, and won. he wrapped his legs over mine, holding them apart, and i was unable to move at all. he was kissing my face and neck and i was sobbing, trying to move. he put most of his weight on my chest and began to push himself into me. i was a virgin, and had never even kissed a guy before him. i wasn't in the least bit ready for it, and it felt like burning, tearing, this intense pain that was deeper than anything else i've ever felt. he pushed himself into me, moaning into my neck. when he started to pull out, i thought it was over, but then he pushed himself in me again, and kept doing it, over and over again. it went deeper and deeper, and still burned. it was intensly painful every time he moved, and i was crying. he kept whispering things like "whore, bitch, slut" in my ear, while i cried silently and tried to breathe. i don't know how long it lasted, but after what felt like forever, he began moaning, and collapsed on my, relaxing his legs. i was able to get up. i started to sit up, but first, he sat up, redid his pants and left me. i found him in the bathroom. he was sitting on the toilet (pants up and lid down), crying. his large hands coverd most of his face. i pulled them down, and he began crying on my shoulder. he asked if i hated him, and i told him i didn't. then we took him home. i saw him once or twice after that. it took about a month to break up with him.
i haven't talked to him since. i've wondered how his life turned out. mine was just about ruined. i went into high school scared of everyone, and everything. i haven't been able to have a normal relationship. whenever a guy tries to be intimate with me, even when i've initiated it, i have flashbacks, violent ones, where i stop breathing and shake, choke, and the entire ordeal plays in my mind. i can't sleep at night. i have "nightmares" which are actually exactly what happened to me, and i wake up shaking and sweaty, my muscles tense. i can only sleep when it is light outside or if there is a girl in the room with me. it's been four years. i wish i could just forget.