I am an eighteen-year-old rape and incest victim. Here is my story starting from the beginning.
Okay I guess you could say it all started when I was born also. I was I guess you could say neglected by my parents and left with my Mom and Poppa to live. That was for the first four and a half years at least. Then my mother left with me. I was told that she had been sleeping with my current stepfather, and my father's best friend. He is the same. Well, my father was very upset with my mother for leaving with me and not telling him where she was going. I saw my mother and daddy when I was living with my Mom and Poppa, but I did not stay with them all of the time. I just went to visit occasionally for a day or two at a time. They lived just down the road. My father beat my mother. I saw it, I was not supposed to, but I did. I was afraid of my father when he became abusive. He and my mother did drugs at this time. I am grateful that I had my Mom and Poppa to fall back on.
So on with the story. My mother stayed in Arkansas for a little while then she moved, in the middle of a school year, to Illinois. She had married her lover by this time and I was fond of him. He had two children of his own. My mother and his ex wife were best friends and my father and him were best friends. When she left, my Mom, Poppa, and father were all devastated. I went to visit my father, Mom, and Poppa occasionally when I could after that. I was only five at the time.
I was seven or eight; my grandmother's (daddy's mom, and the one I had been living with earlier) mother was in the hospital. Mom did not want to get me out one day to go to the hospital with her to see my great grandmother who was dying. It was cold and there was snow on the ground. I went to my father's instead. By this time in my life he had remarried and had two children with this wife who were about one and a half and one who was under a year (not even able to hold his own bottle). Their names were Kimberly and Marcus. My mother also had a child with Ralph (whom I call Dad) named Andrew. Anyhow my father had a bad temper and this day I had been in my daddy's and Barbara's (my step mother) bedroom. We were looking at their wedding pictures. My father walks in and at this time, I think he may have been trying to quiet Kimberly and Marcus from crying. He comes in and tells me to go "take care of them" so I do. I have Kimberly on my knee bouncing her and at the same time am holding Marcus and feeding him his bottle. My father calls me at this time and asks me if I want to see what they had been doing. I said yes and he showed me what they had been doing. He had been having sex with Barbara.
He makes me lay down on the bed and starts touching my private parts. Then he asked if I would like to see what Barbara had been doing to him while he was touching me. I said yes. He then let her take me under the covers and she told me I could watch her suck his penis. The whole time this is going on, he is educating me on the various parts of the body. Me being a seven or eight year old I did not know any better. I sucked his penis and still remember it to this day. The then French kissed me and asked me if I would like to try having sex with him. I said yes. We tried and it HURT SO BAD I started crying. That is what made him stop doing it. I wonder if he was doing it to get back at my mother. After this incident, my daddy’s parents (Mom and Poppa) lost all rights to see me. Then they went to court, at least twice, and finally have to see me once a month. I could go down there if it was a long weekend but otherwise I had to stay with them in a motel room in Illinois.
Then later, my stepfather (I was 10) started molesting me. It started out with him giving me extra long rides on his motorcycle. Then it came to the point where we would stop somewhere. He would feel my private parts at this time. If it was cold, like a few times it was, the first time I did this I regretted it. I told him my hands were cold. I had been holding onto his waist. He told me to put them in his pockets. Being a good little girl, I did as I was told. He apparently did not like them there so he stuck my hands, one at a time down his pants. I let him. Then it came to the point where he was coming into my room late at night and waking me up. This is all while my mother was asleep. She claims she never had a clue it was happening. What a lie. He also did it while he was supposed to be helping me with my homework for class. My mom was then across the street talking to the neighbor. One time he pinned me up against the wall and started French kissing me.
It was early and he had not had one drop of liquor all day. I just remember his force. It was like a time when you know you are doing something wrong and you keep looking over your shoulder to see if anyone is looking. That is how we were when it came to my mother. I feel I knew it was wrong because it had happened to me before. I just was an eager to please child. I have always been one. Now I am a type of person who is afraid of rejection so I am afraid to make people mad at me, even my own family.
One other trip we took was to Horseshoe Lake. We got off the motorcycle and took a hike up into the trail and he started touching me while we were up there also. The only time he really tried and succeeded in raping me was when my mother was at work. I come in from school and he asks me to have sex with him. I say nothing and he starts to undress me. I tell him no. He keeps it up. He puts his ```` inside me and I cry then he continues and I am crying it hurts so badly. He had tried one other time, I started crying, and he stopped because he knew my mother was in the house.
Well, he was also a pervert who liked to look in on me while I was in the tub or shower. I figured this out by when I was in there the door always found a way open. Soon after the rape, I told my Mom and Poppa, whom raised me when I was younger, that Ralph had done these things. I told them about everything except the rape. I told my counselor. My mother and stepfather said I was lying and that I asked him to do it. I did no such thing. Anyhow, the jerk got two years probation. I did not get my day in court because my mother made sure I was in Arkansas during the time of the court date. They never charged him with rape.
I told my mother soon after the rape and either right before he moved back in or right after that I wanted to die. She said that she had tried when she was younger to kill herself. She let him back into the house where I was living at the time. Then soon after he came into the house they sent me to ISVI (Illinois School for the Visually Impaired). While I was up there the first year or so I was happy then it started to decline rapidly (I went up there the beginning of my 8th grade year). My junior year of high school I was so depressed I threatened suicide. They had no choice but to put me in a hospital. I was in there for a week; the most they can keep a person without DCFS stepping in. Department of Children and Family Services was going to step in when my mother decided to let me come live with Mom and Poppa. I am happy now and going to college.
I am turning 16 in two weeks.When I was 10 my 15 year old step-brother raped me. My mother was supportive and loving at first but when it started affecting her relationship with her boyfriend HIS father she turned on me. I suffered three years of emotional and physical abuse at Tim my stepfathers hands. He blamed me for everything from the rape to a mouse chewing his pillow. I blamed myself for the rape as well after all I didn't fight very hard. I realize now that I might have been killed during the attack if had put up too muck of a fight. My Step-brother accidently murdered a girl he was raping the same year. He has 25 in prison. I feel responsible for that girls death. If I had charged him it wouldn't have happened. I was thirteen I couldn't take living with my mother and Tim anymore so I took 500 tylenol and washed them down with rubbing alcohol,face astringent and toothpaste (which warns against ingesting large amounts).Then I called a brother in my dad's congregation in St.Catharines, I told him what I had done then went into shock and started convulsions on the phone. The Guy on the phone knew someone in the congregation here and phoned him to come check on me. He was there in about 5 minutes. He broke down the door and rushed me to the hospital. Obviously I lived. I called the CAS and explained my situation,they took me into care. That was over two years ago.
I moved into this really great group home last year. Three days after moving in there one of the male caregivers there started making sexual comments to me. It really scared me but I didn't tell anyone because I figured I was overreacting because of my past history with the male species. It got more progressed and I started having a relationship with him. I was really straight forward and told him I was terrified because I had been abused and I had no trust. He told me he could help me over come that fear. things were ok for about 6 months even though I knew what we were doing was wrong because I was 14 and he was 32. He made me feel safe.But that changed. He started wanting to hurt me he tortured me for another 2 months but after He drugged and raped me and I was pregnant with his baby I got the courage to tell and get help. I miscarried the baby. The court process is not over so I am hanging. I survived in body but He crushed my spirit to live I hope someday I will trust men again but I am afraid of their strength and their cruelty. I was 15 he was 32,I said NO he didn't care, I tried to fight but I couldn't move that is RAPE. I was a victim But I hope to be a survivor.
Anna R Barnhart
It has been seven weeks since I was raped, but it seems like a year. I think that telling my story might help a little. I am going to counselling and am waiting out the long and incredibly difficult legal processes so that they will catch the man who did this to me. He's out there right now, and that scares me so bad.
On Saturday, September 2, 2001, I had dropped my boyfriend off at his apartment and I was making my way to my grandparent's house, where I was staying the night. I was hungry, so I decided to gather up some money and go to Taco Bell. It was late, 2 am, but I just wanted to stop somewhere before I got home. A man approached my car where I was sitting in the parking lot and asked me for change. I gave him what I had and he reached in my car and stole my keys (they were in the ignition), then told me to give him all of my money. I didn't have any, and he was mad. He told me to let him go down on me and he'd go away. I was so scared and I told him no, but he said he'd have to cut me if I didn't do it.
He got in the car and made me go down on him, then he did it to me, then he made me do it again, then he raped me. The whole time my mind had just shut off and I was so calm, but so afraid at the same time. He told me that he would let me go afterward, and I believed him. Instead, he turned on my car and that's when I lost it. I knew that if I went with him, I would die so I ran out of the car and into the Taco Bell. He stole my car, and hasn't been caught. There hasn't been any evidence found on me or my car, and for that, I am terrified that he will get off. I had never seen him before.
For now, all I can do is listen to Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb over and over again and wonder what kind of world I live in.