I wrote part of my story on here a while back, and have met some very cool and helpful people from it - this is a great site!!
I guess I'm just giving an update. I've pretty much resolved my issues around the two bad relationships I wrote about last time, which is very cool. I have a great girlfriend who is also a survivor (sometimes this is great, and sometimes we trigger each other all over the place) but we're working on building a life for ourselves.
Recently though I have been going through some other abuse stuff from my childhood, and I'm trying to meet other people who have similar experiences. When I was a kid (like 3 or 4) I had a lot of bladder infections. They were pretty bad and I was in and out of Doctor's offices all the time, but the last time I was taken to the hospital, and catheterized. They put me in this dark room with all kinds of people all around, drugged me, took off all of my clothes, and then forcibly held me down and held my legs apart for it. They took x-rays, which felt to me like pictures, and made me pee all over myself and the bed while they watched.
It was a very scary experience, and I guess I am trying to figure out whether it was just scary 'cause I was a kid, or whether they were out of line. The thing was, that I remember it as a sexual experience, even thoguh it wasn't and it has affected things I can and can't cope with as part of sex.
I got caught later playing the same game with some of my friends - we were holding her down, naked, and dripping water onto her genitals. My mom freaked out and I got really punished. (My mom is a ritual abuse survivor, which I only recently found out, but it explains most of her abuse of me, particualrly for anything sexual).
That's it really. Just a quick update. And to all the rest of the survivors, and partners here - hang in there! It's not an easy road, but it definitely gets better, and it is possible to find happiness - we just have to work a little harder at it. Hugs.
I'm not even sure if I'm ready to do this, but it's quiet and I'm alone in the room so here goes nothing..... It's been 2 and a half weeks....
I went to a private party with my cousin at house of blues right here in New Orleans. We had taken a charter bus, so that everyone could drink and not have to drive. I was 19, so by law, I'm not supposed to drink. Fortunately for me the bartender wasn't carding, so I could get whatever I wanted. I mingled a little, but as a shy person I didn't do much partying. I remember sitting down in a chair while my cousin got her fortune told, and the next thing I remember is waking in up bottomless in an alleyway 7 blocks away from House of Blues. My cousin says that we left HOB, and were on our way to a gay club (OZ) about 6 blocks away on Bourbon St., I didn't have my ID with me to get in (I'm 19) so she ran in to tell the people we were with that we would meet them back at the bus, she left me standing with a guy that had helped us to the club.
When she got back we were gone....and I was in an alley way a block off bourbon when I woke up choking on my own vomit. I turned myself over and felt the stabbing pains in my vaginal and rectal areas and immediately knew something was wrong...
In a way I'm thankful that I don't remember the actual act, but that is the one thing keeping me from a legal case. He says it was consensual......but I know deep down it wasn't.
I feel at fault and I don't know if it's going to go away... I feel like a child again, I'm scared to sleep alone in the dark, and guys intimidate me. I had to leave college in the middle of my first semester.....he's in a fraternity there, and I don't feel safe anymore.
I am still upset about how my rape has effected me. I was degraded by a man who doesn't even know my name. He raped me and I know it. I reported it to my school's administration, but you know what? I was unable to go through with the judicial hearing. I couldn't face my attacker who is almost 10 years older than me. He is a religious student, which causes all sorts of problems for me as I think about how to move forward in my own understanding of religion, sexuality and power.
He forced himself inside of my body. Do you know the pain I suffered? The morning after was worse than the night of the attack. My thighs ached and I couldn't even properly bathe myself. I didn't want to touch those intimate parts on me that he had opened. I was a virgin before he ripped that from me. I didn't even feel the pain from the forced penetration because I was in shock.
I remember watching movies with him on the couch and then we started kissing. Fine. Then he got really physical with me and he stripped me. Now I am not saying that there wasn't some sort of consentual sexual activity- because there was- but to a point. How can I explain that to my parents? How do I look my sister in the eye who knows that I am a rape survivor? No one talks about my rape anymore...except for the dean that speaks to me every time I see him. It kills me to speak to the dean in public. Then, knowing that the guy who raped me will graduate right along with me... the same year... It is possible that he might recognize me. Although I never pressed charges,nor did I go through the campus judicial process... I feel like I have lost anyway. I have another man who knows that I was violated. He knows that I was pried open and violated. How do I go on? How do I continue being sexually active? I have a new boyfriend and we are intimate. How do I have a sexual relationship with him?? I am constantly disassociating in bed with him. I am so dispondant.