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Survivor Stories

I have never told anyone this story before, but I hope maybe it will help someone. I'm a junior in college and I was raped my freshman year. I was a virgin, and still consider myself to be. I don't belive someone can take that from you.

Anyways, my freshman floor had this thing called roomate roulette, which is where you set your roomate up on a blind date and the whole floor all goes out on one huge "date". Well, the guy my roomate set me up with was my crush. We had a class together and he was so cute and nice. We had things in common and both play on our school's tennis team. He was very polite, and I thought was a very strong Christian man. Well, towards the end of our date we were all in the basement lounge of our dorm when he told me that he had to get going because he had a big test to study for. He asked if he could see my room before he left. I didn't think much of it, so I said sure and we went up to my room. I shut the door once we were inside because we have visitation hours at my school and it was past then and I didn't want to get in trouble...my school is a conservative Christian college.

Well, he looked at some of my things and then turned towards me to give me a kiss. I pulled away. I didn't want to kiss him. I didn't even really know him. But he grabbed the sides of my face and kissed me. It was so hard that it hurt my mouth. I tried to push him off me but he pushed me down onto the couch. I remember feeling so stupid. I felt like a complete slut. I had never had sex before, never even gone much further than kissing. It happend so fast and it hurt so much. I kept thinking of my roomate. How we would watch TV on the same couch I was raped on. After he was down he got off me and told me that he had a good time and would call me.

I just laid there in a ball looking out the window. I could see snow starting to fall and thought how ironic that somthing so violent just happend when it was so beautiful outside. I now see him around school alot. He smiles and says hi. It makes me want to vomit. I never told anyone what happend. I didn't go to the hospital or anything. The school we go to is very small and I knew that it would get around in no time. I didn't want to be the focus of attention or to have all these people asking me if they should pray for me. that would make it even worse. I just know that it wasn't my fault. I should have reported it, but at the time it made me feel safer and less shameful to pretend like it never happend. I have not been on a date since.

Emily


Looking back on that june day i realize there was nothing i could have done to stop it. No words i could have said to make it not happen, or make it hurt less. I see now that I could have screamed, rather than cried, but it still would have happened.

I had gone out with my friends to get my mind off the life i was losing control of. The drive-in seemed like the ideal place to unwind. With the crisp summer breeze and typical party atmosphere, i felt right at home. Little did i know, that one night out would change my life, my entire world, forever.

I saw one of my good friends while i was there, and he introduced me to a couple of his friends... they were all there for the same reason i was. One guy in particular sticks out in my mind. He was arrogant, the look on his face gave him away. I was instantly attracted to his charisma and his way of saying just the right thing at the right time. before i knew exactly what was happening, i was piled in a suburban with at least 15 other guys, they were all messed up on acid and robitussin. I was uncomfortable, my girlfriends were no where around and there were 15 horny guys surrounding me. the one guy i mentioned earlier began kissing me. i didn't really agree to it because he was clearly messed up, but he wouldn't take no for an answer.

i've never been a typically strong person, so when he got on top of me to rape me, i didn't scream, i only cried. I cried for losing something sacred inside of me, i cried for the music playing (big pimpin by jay z), i cried for myself and the fact that he had the nerve to rape me while his friends were watching. i didn't yell or fight or try to escape, i just begged and pleaded for him to turn the lights off in that disgusting suburban, but he laughed.... and told me that he wanted his friends to see what a slut i was. he got done and i began sobbing... calling for my friends... it hurt so much to look at any of the people that were there. i walked away, and he chased after me, having the nerve to say "we're freinds, right?" Those words still ring in my ears.... every time i see him. it still hurts me to this day to know that i was violated like that.... i feel like i'm living my life, while inside my sould has been dead for a long time... and that's something no one should have to feel.

Nicole


hello... i just came across this site from a different one. i never thought there was a site specifically for people who have been through what i have. it's just mind-boggling, the connections you can make....
it must have happened when i was 5 or 6. my female cousin, erin, came over nearly every day to babysit me and my younger brother. she was 13.. when i was a little kid i was kinda scared of the dark so i would crawl into bed with my mom all the time. but when erin was babysitting, my mom was often away at parties or wherever and she'd be out all night. so mostliy i just slept in my own room.

but one night the dark was scaring me worse than usual so i came up to erin, who was sleeping in the spare room upstairs, and she said "do you want to sleep here, bethany?" i nodded and crawled in with her.... she started undressing me and then pushed me onto the bed... when she kissed me i could taste the metal in her braces, and then when they cut the inside of my cheek i could taste more metal. my own blood....... she pressed herself against me, kissed me, and started to go down on me..... oh god it hurt. and then she made me go ddown on her too. i don't think i really understood what it meant at the time, but i do remember crying "it hurts it hurts, i wanna go downstairs" and her saying "when the big hand is on the 11 you can go".

i ran downstairs crying, i couldn't find my underwear, and i started to pick up the phone to try and call 911 but through my tears i couldn't see the dialing numbers. then she started coming down the stairs (i could hear her footsteps) so i just ran into my bed and pretended to sleep...

over that summer she molested me at least 3 more times.. 2 like that first night, and 1 downstairs in broad daylight while looney tunes was on. i can't even watch that show without feeling sick to smy stomach sometimes!! UGH!

i don't really know what to say, the memories left me for a long while after that (if you've ever heard about repression.. that was probably it) but the scars never faded. ever since that summer i've been kinda quiet,shy, maybe a little scared-seeming. i'm not as bad as i used to be, i'm less of an outcast now, but it still feels like there is nobody on earth who understands what i'm going through here. besides withdrawing, i also started "acting out" sexually when i was a little kid... my mom got mad at me for it and i starte d crying about that. i also started lying to cover what happened, and then i figured since that worked so well i could lie and cover up anything i wanted to. i've learned better now, but once in a while i still can't resist lying.....

also i've had longtime struggles with eating disorders, in third to fifth grade i would overeat to make up for the emotional gap/void in my life (my dad died when i was 9 also). in 7th grade (at least part of it) i starved myself because the memories came back.. also i was getting harassed at school and everyone thought i was a lesbian for various reasons. to be honest, i'm bi, but i didn't want anyone to know that. i did cut my legs with a razor once in a while too, last year.

now i'm in eighth grade, i'm more mature, i don't cut anymore and am starting to learn how to eat right. i still have anemia, though. i wrote all this down in my health journal which i am handing in tomorrow or the next day, so i guess we'll see what happens from there.

i jsut wish i'd have gotten help earlier because in 7th grade my life basically went down the tubes.... now i'm trying to rebuild. it's tough!!!!

Bethany


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