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Survivor Stories

Last week, at about this time, I was at a party with my best friend. We had been there before, and even known the people there very well. There was nothing unfamiliar, nothing uncomfortable. We ended up drinking, and we were pretty well-buzzed and were having a good time.

I met up with this guy I knew from a few years ago that I hadn't talked to for a long time. He had graduated from our university two years before. Things began as friendly conversation, then I wanted to go check on my best friend to see how she was doing. He said he knew where she was and took my hand to lead me to her. He led me instead to a dark room, and immediately began kissing me very aggressively and rubbing my breasts and my vagina very painfully. I kept asking him to stop and he didn't, as if he couldn't hear me scream. He held me down on a leather couch of some kind and continued. I begged him not to hurt me, not to rape me. Finally he stopped and said he would take me home. But then he took me to another dark room and began to do the same thing. I asked him to stop and said I could go home myself but he wouldn't let me go. Then outside. Then he took me home, and did the same thing in my own bad and I kept asking him to stop.

One thing I don't understand is why he didn't rape me. He could have easily had what he wanted in the first place, there was no one around, no one heard me crying. But the fact that he kept hurting me and wouldn't stop after I asked him; was I assaulted? He said he wouldn't rape me, and wouldn't do anything I wouldn't want him too, but he did. Maybe it was the fact that I knew him, or maybe that he was very drunk. I am very lucky that I wasn't raped, but the next morning I noticed that I had blood all over my bed and undergarments. I am very confused though and just want to know if I was assaulted or whatever because I don't know what to do, I am so scared to see him ever again because I'm afraid he'll do it again, or worse.

Name Withheld


I am 13 years old at the time 14 in october and i can remember everything that has happened to me throughout my life. I wouldn't call it rape, but close enough. Ever since I can't even remember.. I'd say I was about 5 at the time, and my aunt had just re-married to a spanish man. I went with my cousin (who also sexually assulted me)we stayed in my older cousins house, He was rich so it was very huge. I still can remember one night while i was sleeping i was awaked by my uncle, I wasn't sure of what he was doing untill he started taking off my panties, That's whn i froze i pretended as if i were sleeping and nothing had happened. then he started fingering me, I was very uncomfortable but couldn't speak, I didn't want to speak, and even if I did he was spanish and wouldn't ahve a clue. Then i started to think I must be dreaming this can't be happening and when he was done and put my panties back on i opened my eyes and watched him go across the room and lay in the bed with my cousin jason (1 year older then me) I thought to myself when i wake up and if he is sleeping in that bed i know it wasn't a dream. The next morning i woke up to see he was in fact in the bed across the room which scared me to death. I spoke of it to no one and to this day nobody knows, and nobody will ever know.

Then around that age all the way up to 12 years old my cousin (my aunts husbands son)started messing with me. He started when i was young and he would take off his pants, and then take off mine. He would tell me to touch his and then he would touch mine, not knowing what i was doing or what that meant,I went along with it. Then as I became older and had gained more knowledge about sex and oral sex and everything, I was about 12 and me and my cousin were on a trip to Colorado cause his mother (my aunt) was an artist in potery, and she had to go to a art show. On the way I would try to sleep every night scared to death cause he would be in the same bed. He would slide his arm up my legs, play with my private, try to insert himself in me, but wouldn't get far, and everytime I would pretend as if I were sleeping. I think it is because of the fact that I wished it was all just a nightmare, and that I was too embarrassed. That's my story and nothing has happened the past few times i've seen him and if something does then I will take a stand and not "pretend to sleep" I hope my story somewhat helped you. I also hope i'm not the only one and I know i'm not, and that's what got me strong enough to write you and tell you my story.

Name Withheld


My name is not really CatherineÖit just feels safer not to use my own name. Catherine is the name I gave my ego at the age of 12. I thought I was the stuff back then. This happened in 1985...before the teachers were required by law to report their suspicions.

As a little girl, I was withdrawn and would let my sister run me over because I was taught not to hurt her. I was shy around many people. I was a loner to a point. I didnít say much to my parents. I didnít even tell them about school except for my teacher once in a while. My favorite activity was cooking. I used to help my grandmother bake cakes.

Around this time I met some cousins of mine on my motherís mother side. My Aunt Laura had five children: Alaina, Robert, Harry, John, and Adrian. I didnít get along with Alaina and Harry too well when I got older. They used to threaten to beat me up. They never did anything to me, but I was scared of them. I used to like going to their house because they had video games and other interesting things. I remember seeing a huge gray Persian cat. I canít remember his name but he was mean to everyone but Aunt Laura.

My cousins didnít know that I could talk because I never would say anything around them. It was later found out I had a defect in my speech.

Two cousins, however, took advantage of my silence and did terrible things to me. The one I can remember the most is the three times that Robert raped me from ages four through six. I remember being flat on my back in an empty darkened room. I was wearing pink sweater and blue jeans. I donít know how I got there but I had a sinking feeling in my heart and my eyes were wide open. I remember looking down to see that I was naked below my waist. The bathroom light was on across the hall. I see him kneeling over me and I saw a body part my four-year-old eyes had never seen before. I blanked out but not before I could feel the pain of something being shoved into me. I kind of left my body then. I watched as he examined me, stuck his fingers in me, and tried again. He got up several times and ran into the restroom. I tried getting up one time and her forced me to lie back down. I suspect he must have threatened me because I didnít tell my mother and I knew when he was heading in my direction I was to go with him. I remember once, he even dragged me across the parking lot and I ran into a bicycle. I do remember that it hurt to use the restroom. Like pins and needles.

Later on when I was older, I remember being in the restroom at my school. I was five or six years old at the time. I know this because I was taller. I was wearing a dress that I didnít like to wear because every time I wore it, something bad would happen. This particular day, the teacher had me change my underwear. I remember taking them off and looking down. I didnít know it at the time, but I had saw dried blood. I was scared, more like surprised, at first but then the teacher gave me a new pair of underwear. Since the ones I changed into were exactly like the ones I had on, my mother had no idea that I was made to change and I wasnít going to tell her. Mind you this is the late 1980ís, before teachers were required to report their suspicions by law. That same year, John made me ďjack him offĒ. We were sitting on a couch in his room while he was doing this. I have a feeling that he was going to make me have oral sex because he had ďitĒ faced towards me. I saw something white coming from ďitĒ, from what I remember. Because of this, I cannot stand the natural smell of a guy. Otherwise, I find myself getting really sick to my stomach.

When I was six, I witnessed these older boys molesting a little white girl named Rachel. I remember her being older than I was. I remember her as having kind of reddish hair. Someone held her hands down while the others touched her. She couldnít escape and I was too scared to go tell the caregiver. Later in the car, I remember mentioning something about a part of the female and male anatomy and how they go together.

Now, I avoid all possibilities of a relationship. I am afraid that person will take advantage of me and I will give in to them so they will not beat me up or just rape me anyway. Sad, isn't it? Of my friends, I am the only one who has never dated.

I used to wonder if this was true...but my own mind confirmed it for me. I wonder if someone else had known at the time. The verbal abuse from my cousins started after this. I wonder if there is anything else that happened and my mind will not let me remember. *sigh*

Catherine
im: kittyhawk1981


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