Well the first time that I was sexually abused was when I was 4 y/o. It was by a neighbor. He was about 6 years older. He did not rape me just touched me and violated me, it lasted until I was 7. It would happen when we would play hide and seek, we woudl always be a team. No one ever knew or suspected we were so young. Thankfully it stoped because my family and I moved away. I never told anyone.
The second time I was about 11 or 12. My family (my 2 brothers and mom), my aunt and her son (my cousin) were on a trip to Washington D.C. My mom and aunt were in the front seat of the station wagon. My brothers were asleep in the second seat and my cousin and I were in the third street. I was sleeping and I awoke to pain lots and lots of pain. For some reason I did not scream or cry so someone could hear me. To this day I still wonder why. My cousin had pulled off my shorts and underware. The pain was his fingers inside of me. He was trying to rape me but he could not get in b/c I was so small. I didnt say anything I couldnt I just looked staright at him and I cried....he could see my tears and yet he still continued. It lasted what seemed to be hours and hours but I figured out that it was a little more than an hour. This time I told not right away, a week or two later. I told my brother he did not know what to do. I dont think he really believed me. He was only 3 year! s older than me. How could he know what to do. It just went away from my mind for a bit. I tried to pretend that it did not happen. And on with my life right?
The third time I was abused is when I was 15 y/o. I was at a (different) cousins house. We were out in the shed playing with the dogs. The he wanted to go to the loft part so I did. It was there that he pinned me down and made me perform oral sex on him and he did everything but rape me physically. This continue to happen everytime that went there. I would try and not be alone with him. There were times when he came over that I would go upstairs to my room so that I did not have to see him. But he would already be up in my room in my closet waiting for me and he would pin me down on my bed or on my floor. It was awful. I never told it was my cousin, who would have believed me.
I began to feel that there was nothing wrong with what has happened to me. Maybe that was my purpose to be there for guys. It all started when I was so young that I did not know any better. I soon forgot that feeling. I still feel this way.
I forgot b/c I had a boyfriend he treated me right and respected that I wanted to take things slow. He came over one night and we were watching a movie in the basement and my parents yelled down that they were going to go for a walk and they would be gone about an hour-hour and a half. So they left. We started to make out (no biggie, we had done that already) but then we got to new territory and I was not ready for it. I started to cry and tell him that I was not ready and he said to me why its not like you havent already done it before. He continued to say that we were going to do something that I hadnt before, but by the time we got there I would be ready. Again I was pinned down, but this time I was fighting him, and screaming "NO" and swearing. This time was different than all the others. He held my arms over my head with one of his hands, that is how strong he was. He pulled my pants and underware down. His legs separated mine. He shoved himself into my mouth. He wa! s so rough, it hurt, everything about me hurt. Then when I started to gag he pulled out and yelled at me. Then he asked me if I was ready yet. I told him I was ready to get up. I was ready for him to stop. Then I started to scream and shake uncontrolably-he thought that it was funny how I was shaking-that he was that good that he made me shake. He then shoved his shirt in my mouth. Then he raped me. It hurt so bad and all of his weight was on me on the palms of my hands. When he was getting off he pressed harder on my hands. Then is was physically over. He got up and dressed himself and left me there exposed and everything. I was in shock i started to shake again and I could see everything but I couldnt talk. I could not move. He dressed me and then we went back to watching the movie and cuddling. I was still unable to move or talk. I just cried.
It took me over a year to tell someone.
Until recently I had never told anyone about all of the previous attempts. I am still trying to get over all of this. It's so hard telling my whole story. I feel so digusting for telling someone that my own cousins have touched me in such intimate ways. It is the most unraveling feeling to me. These events have changed me drastically. I have this underlying feeling that I have no right to be happy, or to let others deal with my issues. Some of the closest people to me do not even know. I know that I will never tell some of them, but the others I have to tell. Only one problem, I have never even said all of these things outloud. I think that if i do say it outloud it will make it more real and I won't be able to hide from it anymore.
I have never been to counseling or anything, I never wanted to feel others sympathy or pitty. I dont want to be an outcast or know as "there is the one that was adbused and raped" It helps me to talk about it. I would love to help anyone out that would like to talk. If you (the person reading this) would like to talk about my experiences or yours or if you just want to talk please email me at Isurvivedit@hotmail.com. Please feel free to email me.
I was 13 when I was raped.
I was at a party at my boyfriend's house and there was alcohol and drugs. That night I had a migraine, so I stayed away from that and just drank soda (brought to me by my boyfriend). I found out later he'd drugged it.
After a while I started to feel sick and thought it was just more migraine ickyness, so I headed off to his mom's room (she wasn't home) to lay down for a while.
I passed out and when I woke up, he was naked, pulling my clothes off. I tried to tell him to stop but I couldn't seem to form any words and my arms and legs felt all rubbery, so I couldn't push him away.(He'd given me so much of the drugs that it was almost like being paralyzed) He raped me and then left me there crying. I couldn't move and I was wondering how I was going to get home.
He came back in a few minutes later with his friend and he held me while his friend raped me too. I remember looking up at them, but neither of them would look at me, they just kept joking with eachother. After his friend was done, they left and I dragged myself into the bathroom and locked the door.
I tried to stand up and fell, hitting my head on the sink, and for hours I lay there on the floor, crying and bleeding and in so much pain.
Memories of that night still haunt me a lot. I never told the police because I was too scared. I've only recently gained the strength to tell my closest friends. When I watch movies or read books that have rape scenes, it makes my stomach churn, but I've come a long way from the scared little girl I was when it happened.
I hope the rest of you can find the power within yourselves to heal and be strong.