well, this is very hard for me to do as I've never actually tried to write about what happened to me, but I've been reading through the other survivor stories and haven't found one like mine yet... it may be out there, but I don't have the strength to read the hundreds of pages just yet.
When I was about 7, I don't remember the exact age, i was playing Nintendo with my best friend Tyson. His family happened to be our families best friends, we were like one family I guess. Anywa, his mom was my mom's best friend, his older brother was my older brothers best friend and his little brother and sister were best friends with my sisters. so we were a pretty close knit family I guess you could say.
Ok,back to the story, we were playing Nintendo and then Josh, his older brother, comes into the room and says he wants to show me something in his room, I think it was his pins fromhis knee surgery or something, he was like, 13 I think. The first time all he did was masturbate on me, and made me kiss him. After I returned to playing nintendo, he came back again and told me my nintendo controller was broken and he needed my help to fix it. well, he did everything again, and it continued like thsi for years, until I was 12 I think. Then they moved away. Over the years it went from masturbation to oral sex and then to vaginal sex. He tried anal, but I always cried too much.
I don't even know what the worst part was, the fact that I knew what was happening and what to do, but I still never stopped it. Hell they'd been teaching us in school what to do in that kind of situation. Or maybe the worst part was that every time he promised he wouldn't do it again, or how he always told me he loved me, orhow he ruined any chance of having a good memory at school, church or home or anywhere... or maybe the fact that secretly sometimes it felt good and i didn't want it to stop?! ok, now I feel like a real idiot, but I got it out, in words, for the first time ever.
I am only writing this because it is the only way I can see that would help me deal with this at least a little. I am 17 years old and I am the victim of sexual abuse. It started when I was around 5. I can remember the first time he touched me. It was summertime and I was watching television in his mother's room. All the kids were outside playing tag or something but I wanted to watch TV. I have often wondered what would have happened if I had just played outside.
He came into the room and locked the door. He told me that he had a big surprise for me. Curious, I asked his what it was and he told me that if he showed me, I could never tell anyone about it and I agreed *I felt special he wanted to share his extra-special secret with me.* He told me to lean back in the chair and close my eyes. When I did that, I felt him touching the crotch of my panties. I know I made some kind of noise because he held his finger to his lips in that universal "shh" sign. I know I didn't want him touching me but for some reason I also didn't want him to be mad at me.
There were many occasions where he just touched me but then he started putting his fingers into me and then other objects like pens, pencils, markers, etc. It always happened in that white rocking chair. He started to get a little more forceful after a while and the more pain he could make me have, it seemed the more happier he was.
The night he raped me was a night I will never forget until the day I die. I was 8 years old and I was very quiet. I had very low self-esteem and very few friends. I always played alone and I didn't much trust anyone. I was spending the night at his house because his sister asked my mom if I could. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and when I came back into the guest room, he was in there sitting on the bed. Even as I type this I can feel my heart pounding just as it was that night. He asked me if I loved him and I said yes...only because I thought I did at the time... he said that he needed me to be a big girl for him and that he wanted me to shut the door and go over to him. I don't know why I did it, maybe because I looked up to him but I did it. I sat down on the bed next to him and he told me to lie back and I told him that I didn't want to because I didn't want him to hurt me.
All of the caring, "big brother" like love he was showing me up until then faded from him. I will never forget how he looked at me when I told him that and I will never forget what he said to me, "I've never hurt you like this is going to hurt." I was so scared...I started crying and I peed on myself. He hit me...in my stomach, on my thighs...places where the bruises wouldn't be visable to anyone...anyone but me. I tried to fight him back but he was older, bigger, and stronger than me. When I couldn't even lift my arms anymore, he pulled my panties down and raped me. The pain I felt that night was worse than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I cried and I tried to scream and fight but it didn't help me any.
The more I fought, the more painful he'd make it. Everytime I'd think he was done, he would make it hurt even more. I guess I passed out from the pain because I woke up the next morning and I was clean *a new pair of underwear, pajamas, and clean sheets.* From that night, I have always slept with a lamp on and I always check my room before I get into the bed. I wet the bed until I was about 13 *when the abuse stopped.* I hate him for what he did to me and how he made me feel but I feel sorry for him because something horrible had to have happened to him for him to want to do something so horrible to a child...I was just a baby. Thank you for letting me share my story.
I truly wish I could forget every minute of the night I was raped. I don't know how I have let something like that control my life for so long now, but I have. I have a wonderful man who is very much in love with me and I still can't let him get quite close enough. I've tried therapy, but I reach a certain point and then I just freeze up. I had just left work that night, working up until 9:00 pm was common for me. It was dark and I was in a parking lot that was on a lower level. Once I walked down the stairs I was invisible from anyone inside the hospital where I worked. A man who worked in a dept that was adjacent to mine had asked me out several times. I always turned him down, something about him always made me feel hesitant to get too close. He was waiting on me that night, at the bottom of the stairs.
Words that passed between us no longer matter. He knew I was going to turn him down again. I think he only asked so that he would have more fuel for his anger. He grabbed me by my upper arms, throwing me against the concrete wall. I was in shock! Almost immediately I was bleeding from a laceration on the back of my scalp. Later it would take 12 stitches to close. Not life threatening at all, but it put me into almost a state of shock, that his man had injured me. He pinned me against the wall, running his hands all over me, ripping open my lab coat, moving under my dress.
I had been trained more than once what to do in a case of attempted rape. I'm sorry to say that all that advice went out the window. I made the huge mistake of trying to fight him off. It made him even angrier and he began to beat me while still pulling and ripping at my clothes. I suffered the scalp lacerations, cuts beneath my nose, on my lips, beside my eyes, a dislocated shoulder, broken ribs on my left side and multiple bruises and abrasions. I still have scars to show for it. I was raped vaginally, orally, anally. The entire thing lasted over an hour. The whole time he was raping me he was also screaming at me, calling me every name in the book, making me feel so dirty. Finally right after he left me I was found by a nurse coming on duty earlier than usual. I was in the hospital for five days. I did press charges and won. The court hearings were hell but worth it when he was sentenced to 5 years in jail. He gets out this year though and it makes me a little nervous.
While the rape itself was horrible enough, mind numbing and terrifying, what it has left me with is maybe even scarier. Unable to make love to another man, unable to make a committment.
I've tried therapy 3 different times now, but like I said, I reach a certain point and then just freeze up.
I try very hard not to feel hopeless. I've always considered myself a very strong, independent, intelligent woman, and anyone that knows me would tell you the same thing. But this has changed me in ways I never dreamed of.
If you are raped, I strongly urge you to not let the SOB get away with it. Press charges. Find someone to stand beside you and go to therapy. Just becaus it hasn't worked for me doesn't mean it won't work for you. If I can ever help someone, please feel free to e-mail me.