I guess you could say my story is different...different because i was raped not only by a friend, but by another woman. Some of my friends who know try to tell me that it doesn't count, but it does. I didn't want it to happen, and it did. I look back on that night, and wonder if there was anything i could have done differently. I wish i could say there was, or that i wasn't so inebriated that i could have stopped it...but i was, and i couldn't.
Aproximately 3 and a half weeks ago, my softball team finished our season. For me, it was the end of my college career. Holding with tradition, we had a huge party....and being that i was the only one who lived off campus, i hosted it. We drank well into the early hours of the morning, and when there was no one left in the house (that wasn't passed out) i decided it was ok for me to go to pass out too. so, i did.
She had been at the party, uninvited. We kicked her out...but as soon as everyone left, she came back. I was in a bed with two of my teammates, both of whom were passed out. She got on top of me and was kissing me and telling me how much she loved me. I was so out of it, i could hardly make myself wake up enough to know what was going on. Then she raped me. I couldn't make myself move....i couldn't make her stop.
When i close my eyes, i can still feel it happening. I'm so sad and so angry, and i don't know what to do. I don't know who i'm more upset as...her or me. I know i still have a mess of emotions to figure out, and alot i still need to deal with. I can't sleep, and i'm so paranoid i'm making myself crazy. This wasn't supposed to happen....not to me.
If i could stop shaking, or sleep through the night, i would be eternally grateful. I tell myself over and over again that i'm safe...i'm back home with my parents for the summer. I can't bring myself to talk about it to anyone but my girlfriend, and not even she really knows how i feel. When life seems to hit me too hard, i usually write, but i'm too scared of myself to pick up a pen.
I look forward to the day when i can come back to this story and say that i am ok. That i dealt with what happened to me, and i surivied. For now, i just live in a world of sadness and fear; looking for answers i know aren't there.
When I was 14, I was "dating" a guy with a drinking problem and a lot of anger. I got pushed around a lot (once he popped my shoulder out of the socket) especially when I refused to follow his "orders". Occasionally, though, he was a nice guy, and because my dad was going through chemo and my house wasn't a pleasant place to be at the time, I was looking for any excuse to get out of there. Sometimes he would actually do nice things for me, like get me flowers or listen when I cried...
Anyway, I just couldn't overlook the fact that he had a problem with drinking, and I decided to tell him that until he got help for that and his anger, I wouldn't see him anymore. Foolishly, I decided to make this apparent to him at a party...a keggar, really...I arrived late, and by the time I got there he was already pretty drunk. Nonetheless, I was determined to end the abuse, so I suggested we take a walk into the woods (Stupid mistake #1).
We got to a clearing, and I told him what I'd wanted to tell him for months: that I didn't want to see him until he got help and quit drinking. His face got really calm, and his eyes got really hard, like he was trying to suppress his anger. I remember his eyes narrowing and that's when I thought, "Oh no." I never thought he would rape me. He had been violent before, but it had never been to the point of violating me sexually.
I started to panic, and tried to run back to the safety of my friends at the party, but he caught my arm and flung me to the ground. He swore at me and spit in my face while ripping at my clothes...I tried so hard to fight back...I just wasn't strong enough. Finally I just lay there and cried while he got in and had his way with me. After what seemed like an eternity, he got up without a word, spit on me one more time, called me a whore, and left.
I got dressed, and walked the 2 miles home, shaking the whole way. I went straight to my room and stayed there for a day and a half. I wouldn't talk to anyone...I couldn't stop crying. I felt so disgusting, and so used. I was in shock: things like this didnt' happen in my town, and especially not to a 14 year old.
For a long time I was really depressed...i couldn't eat or sleep and nobody knew what had happened. Finally, after a few weeks, I told a friend what had happened. She was great about it, and urged me to see a psychologist. I ended up in therapy for a while, and now I'm better. I still have bad dreams and I can't look at this guy without wanting to curl up and die, but at least I can look myself in the mirror. All I can say to anyone who has been raped or sexually assaulted is this: "The best revenge is living well." What happened to you is not your fault. It was something that happened to you, not because of you. You are a survivor.
My name is Angela. Today I am 21 years old but at the age of three years old my life turned into a living hell.
I had a neighbor who molested me from which I was the age of three to the age of sixteen. He would say things like lets go take a "nap" together. He would say things like you will be "my" girlfriend, or things like "When you get older this is what the boys will want". I was only three years old so I thought that since he was a grown-up he knew what grown ups wanted. He filmed me in several home videos and even invited his sons and some of his older grandchildren to participate in these sick fantasies of his.
I remember the worst of it all. It was when I was being raped in the vagina by "him" and raped in the anus by his oldest son at the same time and while all this was going on I was forced to preform oral sex on another of his sons, and when each of them where done with me they made me preform oral sex on them right after they raped me.
Now being 21 it is hard to have a decent love life with my husband. That and I am 15 weeks with child and I don't want my child to have to go through the hell that I went through. I need someone to talk to because even though I am very close to my husband there are things that i cannot talk to him about. There are times that I wanted to kill myself, but than thought why send my soul to hell to rot beside that bastard who raped me, just because I thought that there was no way out. I really need someone to talk to. It would really help me if I could talk with someone on my level who knows what true pain and scars rape really does leave.