why do people do that, my love? why did they do that to me? everything i do is weighed against that night, that party, that nakedness. she got a 4.0, she sucked chadís dick. she was valedictorian, jeff took her clothes off. she got a scholarship, they left her there for chad to come down after her. iím walking around with my letters on my shoulder, so gilded, so lauded, but itís never going to be enough, because jeff and chad will always be able to rip that right off. nothing i could ever do, i could win the Pulitzer, i could be president, but their arms could always rip that off of me, rip me right down to a dirty whore they passed around, just a party favor, me the party favor, me everybodyís kicks for the night. My love, i donít remember what they said to me. whyíd he do that? why? why can people do that to someone? how can they do that? why did he take me downstairs? what did i do? what did i do? iím sorry. i'm sorry i lied to my parents so i could stay over at the party. iím sorry i flirted with you chad. what did i say? i try but i canít remember what i said. i canít remember what i said. what did i say? did i say something that would make them do that to me? i know i flirted. i liked your blue eyes. i liked your blue eyes. iím sorry i drank so much. you gave me the bottle of blueberry mad dog. i donít remember how i got from that one house to the other. who took me? why was i the only girl there? did you know before we came over there what you were going to do? or just hoping? did you both talk about it? did you know that i would bleed a little? because i was just a virgin a few days before? whyíd you make me bleed? i should have been having sex with Jeremy. Jeremy who was my boyfriend. who took me to the movies. who knew, Jeremy who knew i was just a virgin, that i would bleed a little. but i was too drunk to clean it up. too drunk to notice until the morning, when i had to leave, when it was time to go to work. what did you put in that cup? you mixed some things. i saw you, how did i drink that without puking? why do i not remember how it tasted? what was i doing when you picked me up? you lied to me. jeff, you lied to me, why did you say that? why did you treat me like such a joke? did other people hear? did you tell them later? i didnít want to go with you. i know that. with everything else i did ever, jeff, i didnít want to go with you. i know that. i wanted to stay up at the party. couldnít i stay upstairs and find a place to pass out? why did i need to go downstairs? jeff, you said you had something to show me. you said there was something downstairs. but i was so tired. i knew that if i went down the stairs i wouldnít be able to come back up. you picked me up on your arm.
jeff, why did you do that? jeff i wasnít flirting with you. jeff i didnít say i wanted to. i tried to leave jeff. i tried to leave. i saw the bed, there was only a bed down there. but you led me over to it, you said there was something over there. i didnít want to be there jeff. what did i say? i canít remember saying anything jeff. i canít remember saying anything. why didnít i just black this out? why do i have to remember that you shut the door? you turned the lights off while i was laying on the bed, i was so comfortable and tired there, and then you came over. jeff how did my clothes come off? i remember i think you took my pants off. jeff, i couldnít move. jeff i couldnít talk. i wasnít saying yes jeff. i wasnít saying anything at all. i didnít know what was going on. i was so tired jeff. the room was spinning jeff. the pillow was so comfortable. why did you do that to me jeff? why did you take my clothes off? why did you do that to me? why did you do that to me? why did you take your clothes off? what did i do? jeff i didnít say anything. i know i didnít. i remember not knowing what was going on. i couldnít figure it out. i was tired. you were on top of me. jeff you had sex with me, and you didnít even ask. why did you do that? why did you do that? why did you get on top of me? why did you take my clothes off? i canít remember it actually happening. i donít know what happened to that memory. i felt then jeff, like i do now. like there is no blood in my veins. frozen. sapped. nauseated. i canít make sense of anything. iím tired, thatís what i am, iím tired. jeff i didnít want you to have sex with me. i didnít want you inside me jeff. i really didnít. jeff why did you do that? jeff why did you take me downstairs? you had to carry me jeff. why did you lie to me? donít you see me? i am a person jeff. i am. jeff, i am a person. i was drunk jeff. i was too drunk to know what was going on jeff. i didnít say yes. i didnít know what you were doing. i didnít understand what was going on. but i remember it. god, why did you make me remember it? i didnít know what was going on but i had the memories to figure it out later. if i just could have made sense at the time. if i could see, jeff, naked, jeff, taking my pants off, please god, i would have said no, i would have said no, please god, my love, jeff, everyone, please believe me, i would have said no, i would have said no.
i didnít want to do that. i had a boyfriend. chad was cute but i had a boyfriend. you donít do that when you have a boyfriend. you donít do that to girls who have boyfriends. why did you do that to me? what about me said that that was okay? what did i do? what is wrong with me? how was i made? for you to do that? My love, i am so sorry. My love i wish that i didnít have this happen to me. My love i am so sorry. My love please love me anyway, please love me anyway my love, can you still touch me? i was a filthy whore my love. i was a filthy filthy whore. for a night he just took me and did whatever he wanted, he saw me as a joke my love. i feel so disgusting. i am so sorry, please god, i want to take it back, please, i am so sorry, i am so sorry, please, i swear, please forgive me my love. i am the ugliest thing, my skin is moldy paper, their looks rip me to shreds. i am spending all these years trying to get back what i lost that night, it doesnít work, you always come back, you always come back, no matter how many locks i put on the door you always come back, i try to hide from you, i try to curl up in a ball and you wonít see me, you wonít want me, you wonít want to take me again, but somehow every time you pull my arm again and it melts and i am powerless, i am powerless, and i watch you do it to me all over again. you have defeated me, and your victory persists.
and i think i took refuge in my clothes, maybe at least some of them, i canít remember, i canít remember, but i went to sleep, you let me sleep there, when i woke up you were gone. i was alone in the dark, i remember being alone in the dark in the bed, the disgusting dirty bloodspotted bed. i donít remember how chad came in. i donít remember. i donít remember how he got me on the floor, he put it in my mouth. i was so tired, everyone, please believe me, i was tired, i just wanted to go to sleep, i didnít want to, everyone, please believe me, if he would just let me go to sleep, but he kept pulling me up, he held me there and i just wanted to go to sleep. chad, i was so tired. chad, god, everyone, i think i said no. chad, you said, this isnít working, we should just have sex, i said no, chad, i was tired, i was tired. i got back on the bed because i was tired. i canít remember this at all. i donít know where my clothes were, you must have taken them off again, chad i remember you fucking me again, it hurt, thatís all i remember. i canít see you on top of me, i donít remember anything at all except it hurt. why did you do that to me? chad why did you do that to me? chad, please, i was 16, chad, please, leave me alone, i donít feel good, chad, i am 16, please leave me alone. please donít do this to me, chad you have given me a secret i canít cleanse with a lifetime of washings, chad you have made me more disgusting than i will ever even admit to myself. a lifetime of washings chad, just to get that blood off the sheets, just to get you out of me, to get you out of me, please get off of me chad, please, i am 16 chad i have only just turned 16 chad please leave me alone i am tired i am naked chad i canít live with this on my history chad i canít get you out of me chad i canít live chad i canít live like i did before chad i canít live like i did before chad you donít deserve to change me forever chad i was just trying to sleep, i just wanted to sleep please leave me alone, i am tired chad i canít move i am so tired i canít say anything get out of me leave me alone, please leave me alone please god make him leave me alone and you do.
you give up, i remember, you give up after not that long, because i am asleep, i think that must have been it, because i donít remember anything, i donít remember anything after i got back on the bed except my vagina hurt and then you were done, thank god i canít see your face your body in my memory forever, i think you laid there then. chad i said no, and you said come on it will be quick, chad i said no and you got on me anyway chad i said no and you put it in me anyway you said come on, come on, come on and you did it anyway and i am nothing, i am nothing, i am nothing, i am nothing, nothing forever. i canít tell anyone about you, i just tell some people many years later when i am your age about jeff, about how i was lied to with jeff, no one can ever know about you chad, about how you fucked me after jeff did, you came down there for me, you came down there and took my breath away, my breath behind the words of what happened to me, my breath behind the words i have a dark secret, i have a dark, vile, smelly, bloody, decrepit secret, it will never stop decaying inside of me, in the dark recesses of my vagina, it will never stop smelling of rotting flesh, never run out of droppings to fall off the bones, you have given me death, and death i carry with me all my life.
i was scared chad. i was tired and drunk but i only knew i didnít want to stay in that bed, my love, donít say i was gangraped, my love donít say i was raped, i was raped, i was raped, i was raped, i was raped, i was raped, i was raped, donít say i was raped, donít say i was raped, at a party, by a man after another one, donít say i was raped. raped twice in one night, when i was 16, right after i had given my hymen to Jeremy, i donít want to have been raped, i donít want to let you say you raped me, iíd rather say i let you, does that mean you conquered me less? but that makes me a whore, a sick dirty whore, of the dirtiest kind, my flesh only pumps brown blood, my hair is greasy always, my body is withered and used, so used, so used, my love, that is all i have to give to you, that is all i ever gave to anyone since, something used, something to be used, something old, and tired, and worthless. i have never felt so worthless, chad and jeff, you took my worth away, you took my worth away, you took my worth away, when you left me there, when you put me in that bed, and iíd give anything to be able to move, jeff, i wanted to go back upstairs, chad, i wanted to leave you, jeff, i wanted to go back upstairs, please somebody take me to the stairs, please somebody take me to the stairs, if i hide under the bed will you find me will you find me you will always find me, you will always find me you always have because you did then, my body was too drunk, my mind didnít know what was going on, my mind was swimming through the darkness and only you could see.
i put my clothes on after chad, he was asleep i think i donít remember him saying anything, i got away, i found the door, i finally found the door, i somehow got all the way up the stairs and then up the stairs again to the loft, there were places to sleep there, i fell asleep there, i had my clothes on, i was away from them, they were away, i was not hidden in a room, and someone found me, someone found me and i think you told me i was pretty, who are you, why did you come looking for me i was done, that was enough, that was over, i tried to fall asleep again, you kissed me, you kissed me, and then you said my breath smelled like dick and you left me alone, but you laid with me, you laid with me and you didnít try to do anything else, you kept me from anyone else, i didnít want to leave you, you kept me from anyone else, anyone else who would not leave me alone. and the sun rose, and we got dressed and went to work, and i made sure you all knew it was okay, it was okay, you had not upset me at all. you had not upset me at all.
My love, how can you make love to me again? how can you touch someone who was passed around? how can you make love to something so dirty, something so dead, you have fallen in love with a ghost, i am here, but i have no body, i have nothing for you to touch that means anything to the mind and soul and heart that loves you back, all i have is this old and torn dress of a body to wear to your ball, i donít know how they are going to let me in with this disgusting cloth wrapping up all that they didnít kill of me. i feel disgusting, my love, i feel so ugly inside, i feel so afraid that someday someone will take my mask off, it happens to me by myself all the time, what if it happens so other people can see? what if they take my mask and my medals too? what if they take my purple robes and show everyone how naked i am? how can i live knowing that if anyone ever really knew me, really knew what happened to me, they would know then that i was just a meaningless dirty whore, that i was just a common slut 16 year old at a party that i was passed around, they would see that they passed me around, that i was nothing, that i was nothing, that i deserved no respect, that i had no beauty, that i had nothing nothing nothing of value, that i was such a thin paper shell that someone could fuck me and not even know there was a person there, there was a heart that was bleeding at the end of that vagina, if anyone ever really knew me they would see that i was a nothing inside, they could never really love me, just my robes, my robes that would someday inevitably fall off, if they caught me at the wrong moment, when jeff and chad come back, when they catch me again, and i canít hide, i canít even speak, i canít move, my body fails me as they take it away, they rip it away, they throw it away, again, and again. together, both of them, two of them against me.
My love, would you hold me when i am dying without my robes, dying like i always am, when i put my head in my knees and wrap my arms around my legs and try to shut them away, try to not see the stones the world must throw at a dirty immoral whore like me, would you touch this diseased skin, this rotting flesh, this chapped body, would you touch it and love it? if you knew my past, how they took me away and i didnít get the chance to fight, how they left me there and did it all over again, because i was just open for their business, if you knew would you hold my death anyway? would anyone? could anyone? i can never ever be sweet again. i can never ever be beautiful, i am touched, i am smudged, beauty is too fragile to be handled so carelessly, so coarsely, so vulgarly, it falls apart. i can never ever be respected, i can never ever deserve someone to ask me, someone to treat me like iím fragile, not after iím already broken. i can never ever smile with the light of the sun because i am shadowed, when i look at you with love there is a blackness that keeps it from getting through, but it is there my love, if you look through the blackness you will see a tearful smile etched, a smile pleading for someone to finally see my death and love it back to life again.
Öhow did i survive. i survived by not being a survivor, i called my friends the next day and laughed about how i had spontaneously slept with jeff. i never cut my hair, i never wore baggy clothes, i was elated, nothing bothered me. i was a woman free with her sexuality. i worked with them all summer, i was cool, i was absolutely unashamed, and strategically uninterested. i had used them, i told myself, and everyone by my attitude, i had used them and i was done with them. yes that is a much better reality. i have learned, my friends, that realities are so very easily creatable. when they didnít actually happen, of course. i dated someone for years and years and never breathed a word of it, i talked with friends and always remembered to add the prefatory, Ďand then jeff asked and i said yesí and pretend that chad hadnít happened. and then chad began to unhappen. chad began to unhappen and i became a whore. i could never tell my exboyfriend that i had slept with two people on one night, a party favor?
there would always be a wall between the world and the truth, a wall made of my face and skin, i was safe that way. safe and unknowable. i wish i could say it didnít work marvelously well. I would hear stories about date rape and for some reason fix on this fierce declaration, Ďif that ever happened to me, why, I would prosecute. I would never let them get away with itÖif that happened to me, I would fight like hell. I would never be taken easily. Never.í and I was serious too, I had no idea. ask me a few months ago, had I ever been raped? certainly not, i would answer you. the thought never crossed my mind. I was certainly never a victim. A whore? well of course. A vile disgusting unloveable object with a fuckable place? why yes. once, i told you, friend, that i had done this sick thing. i had slept with two on one night, i had been that horny.
the next day we woke up, we were putting on our shoes, i looked at you with violent determination. ĎNever mention this again.í and that was quite it. so my worthlessness had a worn headstone, it was buried. butÖbut you canít bury something that isnít dead. you can only scatter it over with dirt, fix the leaves just right to make yourself believe it. i noticed a ghost around, it wasnít until the past few months with my love that i have realized it was that nightís ghost. I had no idea all these years that the ghost bringing me all kinds of men, wielding things, trapping me places, threatening to hurt me but refusing, always always refusing to leave a slice, a scar, making me beg for a bruise, in my dreams, bringing me men i could fight with all my might, i could scream against, but who would still always win, sometimes joyfully putting me in the hospital where mother could see my pain, could see through the night i was supposed to be at amandaís and the illicit drinking and see i was dead. the ghost kept me in bed for days at a time after he brought me the men, i couldnít face the world.
i told you, friend, i was lazy, but really i was busy being raped in my bed, refusing to leave until i had found a scar, a blessed bruise, until i had been able to lift that heavy, leaden, paralyzed, drunken arm to smash his teeth out, until i had found the voice among all the confusion to scream, to scream and scream no. I thought I had rape fantasies. I thought I was sick and fucked up, another reason to keep the wall of me secure. and sometimes with that other one and even with my love, you were making beautiful love to me, beautiful sweet tender love and i would clench my being. i would white-knuckle the sheets like they were my allies, i would plead noiselessly and unrequitedly to the ceiling for help (yes sometimes I mouthed the words), i would clench my face, my teeth, my eyes, grimace to you like it was pleasure, i would squeeze out tears.
here even with my beautiful love, so attentive, kissing me, caressing me, loving me like i had never even imagined before, making me so blissful at most times but during some it would come back, i had lost control. my powerlessness is a fiercely tempestuous brute. i would want to vomit, i would want to cry, i would squeeze the happening out of my eyes and pray to my tortured self, wait till itís over. how i wished you would see me curled up on a ball on the bed and know that i was not tired but raped, in the past and so forever. but you couldnít see, even now I still canít. i spent one summer taking over, i was more an imperialist than ever a nation was, conquering men. how good it felt to look a casual partner in the eye and say, yes, i want to, loudly, firmly, and securely, know that I wanted to. i was not acquiescing, i was lording. and then my love came into my soul, he demanded every inch of it with all the resplendent tenacity of human love and devotion.
there was an impenetrable darkness there that wouldnít let him in, and a few months ago i opened my mouth for the first time in nearly 5 years. and the echo came back Ďrapeí. i wrote that first part that night. with so much pain and tears and missed tutorials and rocking in the corner i opened the cap of a huge basin of pain. i opened an old, old cap. but i have yet to even begin to pour it out. these days I just stare. I stare at the swirling cauldron of searing pain, but in some lights it looks so dark i wonder if there is really nothing there. i look at tomorrow and i see me desperately needing and desperately unable to talk to anyone, to talk them to death, to talk until my tongue literally falls out, to talk before I realize I have no tongue in the first place - i look at this and i want to retreat and cuddle my precious worthlessness. i canít let this precious thing bleed out, there is too much in that cauldron. i will bleed for weeks, months, my love will only be busy mopping, i want him to be busy in my arms. i want to go back to what you believe, chad and jeff, you who will never know what you didnít do, never know that you didnít lay me, you raped me, i want to believe i used to be a drunken whore. i try to tell my love every day i want to never speak of this again. I am okay I am okay I am okay I am normal I am normal I am normal and fine I repeat like a chant, i want to spin another web of reality because I am too confused to see whatever the truth may be, inscrutably churning in that iron pit inside of me.
I still canít say I am innocent: I didnít fight, I canít remember, I remember even less now than I did when I first wrote about it. I donít know what happened, how can I say I was innocent when i donít even know what happened? all I know is there is a massive precipice, of an endless height, I canít even bear to look over it but I have only a few tiny toes left on the edge. I sway back and forth, my love is calling to me at the imperceptible bottom, he is coaxing me to this invisible floor where there are no canyons to fall into when you are asleep, where you make love to your beautiful one always without fear, when you donít get cold and sick and clenched and feel so utterly powerless at a momentís notice, he is calling to me, and the only thing i know how to do is fall as if iím flying. fall as if iím flying, weave wings out of my lies, delay the day when i will finally be forced to hit, though then my neck will be broken. teach me, someone, cauldron, how to fall into my loveís arms, gently, and then stand, and walk again.Name Withheld
I am 22 years old, and have been carrying around the painful burden of sexual abuse since I was eight years old.
It was the spring of 1987, and I was doing the things that all 8 year old boys do- collecting baseball cards and comic books, riding my bike everywhere in the neighborhood, playing sports, etc...
Then one day all of this changed. I went over to my friend's house because his dad had just gotten this hugh cache of old comic books, and I wanted to check them out. But when I got there my friend was nowhere to be seen, but his Dad let me in anyway, and said I could look at the comics if I wanted...fatefully i said, "yes" and went in.
While I was looking at the comics he called me into his bedroom, saying that he had "something he wanted to show me". when I went in he grabbed me from behind and threw me on the bed. He proceeded to rip my shorts and underwear off...then he sodomized me...After he finished he told me that if I ever told anyone, that they wouldn't believe me and that I would get in BIG trouble for lying. I went along with this because I wnated so badly to pretend that it had never happened. After that I just buried it so deep that I thought I would never have to unlock that part of my mind. But as I grew older and I was unable to maintain healthy relationships with women and sunk into the deep throes of depression, I realized that I needed help. So now I am seeing a counselor on my school campus and hope to someday recover from this and not feel so trapped by it.
Not exactly sure where to start... Earlier tonite I was depressed and talking with a friend of mine (who is also a Survivor and has posted her story here) and she told me about this website. At First, i only came to read her story... that didnt last long. I knew i wasnt alone, and i knew there were so many others out there...i had just never read so many of their stories before. It is May 1st 2001. ***WARNING***...there may be too many details for some readers.
I am now 20 years old... there are some things i can still not talk about. The rape happened when i was 12...i was staying with my grandmother(She lived close, so i stayed with her alot)on a normal weekend. A friend,we will call him Steve, lived just a few blocks away... i had been at his house for a while and i had to be back at grandmas at 11:30pm(grandma spoiled me) I used to always leave at 11, just to be safe so i would be home on time. That particualr night, Steves older brother,he will be called John, also had some friends over(they were between 18-22 years old). At 11, i was getting ready to leave, when one of Johns friends said i didnt have to leave yet, because he would drive me. I, being an innocent 12 year old, said gee thanks. we left about 5 minutes later...
had id known what was in store for me...id have walked home...Before we got to the street grandma lived on, he pulled into the alley. Jumped over to me and threw me into the backseat. I was dazed, confused and in a little pain from the violent throw. He was tryin to kiss me, i wouldnt let his tongue into my mouth, he screamed at me, called me a bitch and a whore and a slut. He was holding my arms against the backdoor window, and stradling my legs. I was completely stuck. I was too scared to scream. I remember sayin no, please. He laughed and said he knew i wanted it, that i wanted him to be my first.With his free hand he touched my breasts, and fingered me till he got bored with my crying. He said i was crying because i wanted it so bad. he said he knew what little girls like me wanted. I was wearing a long flowing skirt, it was my favorite...was being the keyword. he didnt have to do much to get to my underwear, and then he only pushed them aside. He shifted positions and i took that opportunity to try to get away. He pushed down on me harder and told me if i did it again, he would kill me with his bare hands. To further make the threat realistic, he put his free hand around my throat and squeezed alittle. That was enough to scare me into submission. I stopped struggling. I tried to close me eyes, but he yelled at me to watch his face, so he could see the look in my eyes when he went into me. and he did... the pain was horrible. But the emotional and mental pain far surpassed it.
I remember turning my head once and getting a glimpse at the clock on his car stereo...it was 11:19 January 19th. a date that will for ever be burned into my memory. He forced my head to look at him. he finish a few minutes later and "examined" me for blood. When he didnt see any(for reasons i cant yet speak of) he freaked out and called me a whore, and a liar, and a slut. He made me take my underwear off and let him keep them. Then he pushed me out of the car and drove away. I was left standing alone, confused and hurting in a dark alley. I walked the one block back to grandmas house. It took me 20 minutes. I had regained some of my composure and told her i lost track of time.I then went straight to the bathroom. I took a shower, cleaned myself completely..a job that took an hour to complete. and went to the guest room and tried to sleep. Sleep didnt come and i layed there awake and scared for hours. I never told my family.
This happened over 8 years ago. I have never told my family, and i never will. I didnt deal with it for 3 years. Refused to believe it happened. A very close friend of mine talked me out of killing myself numerous times. I finally broke down and told him what happened. He convinced me it wasnt my fault. I now know, it isnt, it never was, and it never will be. I love you and miss you Sam.I now have a wonderful loving Fiancee who knows all about this and supports me in every way.
I still have panic attacks, and flashbacks and nightmares. But i know i am healing.and one day...maybe..just maybe...there will be a time i dont think about the day my childhood was stolen.
A word of advice... DO NOT KEEP IT SECRET! TELL!!! Shout it from the highest building if you have to, but do not keep this a secret! Seek help. I am almost always online very late at night (US Eastern time) Normally from about 1am to about 7am or so. Do not hesitate to IM me. Make sure you tell me that you read my story on here, or i may delete the IM without responding (lots of perverts out there in AOL land). Be well, and good luck in yer healing process.