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Survivor Stories
I told this to the survey thing so I might as well tell it again. This one is really unusual, and it might be hard to comprehend because you would think that this just doesn't happen...but it does...

I'm 18, and I died the Wednesday I decided to go walk down to the bay. I went out of my dorm room, across campus, and was walking toward the bay (at the west end) through a part where heavy construction was taking place. There were no lights on the sidewalk where I was. I was listening to Japanese music on my Walkman (I will never again listen to "Wild Strawberries" by Pizzicato 5) when I was tackled and thrown behind the science building. The tall female pushed me into the ground and told me, "Don't bother screaming, you know no one's around." She then unbuttoned my jeans and yanked both them and my panties down. Then she placed one hand hard over my face, to hold me down, I suppose, and put fingers inside me. I knew that screaming _was_ useless, but I couldn't help making a few sounds of distress. It hurt, and I was aware of the grass under my back...and the awful pain inside me. I still don't understand how she got pleasure out of it, why she did it...but then I suppose I never will. After it was over, my attacker jumped up, wiped her hand on her jeans, and walked off.

My Walkman was still running. It shuts off for a second or two while playing now, due to the fall it took with me. I lay there and studied the stars, the crescent moon. After a minute I redressed myself, picked up my Walkman, put the headphones on. Listened to the music for a bit. When I felt strong enough to walk, I picked myself up off the ground and slowly walked home.

When I got there, I immediately took a shower. I had to, I felt filthy. Then I climbed up to my lofted bed and pulled my comforter tight around me, and cuddled my childhood blankie close. I didn't speak to my roommate at all, and when the phone rang for me, I simply did not roll over. Eventually she got the point.

The next day I reported it to the campus police. Since my attacker is unknown with no way to positively identify, there is little they can do except have the police car drive around more frequently.

I worked up the guts to tell a handful of my closest friends. My long-distance girlfriend was scheduled to fly down three days after the attack...my two best friends had driven six hours the day after the attack to be with me. Eventually I told her, and things are still strained. I know she loves me and would never hurt me, but my body is still repulsed and paranoid.

Every shadow I see is my attacker. I will not go out at night without someone, especially to the west side of campus. Every female I see who is taller than me makes me want to run screaming. I'm still hurt. But I will be a survivor if it's the last thing I do.

Alison


When I was 14 I was having a whle lot of probems at home. My mother and I were not getting along and I started running away and smoking weed all of the time. I had a steady boyfriend but I had never had sex. A couple of months later my mother put me into a group home for troubled teenagers and I met other girls that were runaways like me. I was there for about seven months when me and three other girls decided to leave. They had told me that they had friends in another city that we could stay with. We waited until everyone was sleep and then we left. B's boyfriend picked us up a couple of hours later and we were on our way.

At first it was great I didn't have anyone telling me what to do and I had all of the weed that I wanted. Our second week there we all decided to go into D.C. because we were low on weed. When we were on our way back we blazed up in the car and something just wasn't right. When I took a hit my whole mouth went numb. When we got back we went to this girls house and they had invited guys over. I was okay with that but I was really stoned. I had been staying with a girl while her parents were out of town but they were coming back the next morning so I was going to stay at another girl. When it was time for everyone to leave I want with her and she set me up in her basement.

I woke up in the middle of the night to a guy telling me that somebody was there looking for me and I could just come next door to a party and sleep in one of the rooms. I could hear the music so I was okay with it and I went. They took me in through the basement and told me that the bed was right there and they would see me in the morning.I turned off the light and went back to sleep.About a hour later I heard whispering but it was dark so I couldn't see anyone. I just thought that maybe I was just tripping because I was still pretty high. Then I felt someone sit on the bed next to me. I was so terrified that I couldn't move. I felt a hand o my chest and I started to scream and then he hit me in the mouth. I could only see the shadows because it was so dark. He got on top of me and I was fighting for waht seemed like forever. He kept telling someone else to wait while hr got my clothes off and he started pulling on my jeans. I reached in my pocket and pulled out my lighter and tried to burn im with it. I saw three hispanic men standing next to the bed and an older hispanic man on top of me and I got hit again. The last thing I rememeber about the actual rape was being penetrated and then I passed out.

The next day I woke up on the street half naked and bleeding from my private areas and my face was tight and swollen. I called one of my friends from school to have her big sister come and get me. I went to her house and took a scalding hot shower and I kept blaming it on myself. I had no way of knowing who had done this to me and I couldn't really remember how to get back to where I had been so I didn't say anything. I finally went home two weeks later. I told my mother what had happened and she said that I was a lier and that I was just saying that to avoid getting put in the detention center.

About six months after it my mother took me for my first appointment to the gynocologist and they found out that I had contracted two STDs (not HIV or AIDS thank god) but one was curable and the other wasn't.

I am now 19 and I moved away from Virgina about two years ago. I am just now putting my life back together. I am starting college in the fall and now I have the family support from my Dad's family to help me get through the hardest days. I haven't had a stable relationship yet. The first time I actually had sex I cried the whole time but I am getting better one day at a time and hopefully the person I choose will be understanding.

J.L.H.


I don't know if I was raped or not. I have been reading these testimonials for some time now, and I can't help but feel something, even though I was never abused as a child or raped while conscious. But one night last year I was went to a bar with my friend Jason and we were supposed to meet my other friend, Christy. Jason and I got there at 11, Christy got there at 11:30, so she told me later. I don't remember seeing her. I had had one drink with Jason during dinner but I usually can drink quite a lot.

I walked into the bar and said to him, I don't have any money, I'm going to get some sucker to buy me a drink. I walked over to a good-looking man and he bought me a drink. I drank it and talked to him and that's the last thing I remember. I think he thought I was alone.

When Christy came, she thought I was really drunk, which is impossible because I only had two drinks. But she says I was acting really manic, really out of control. She said the man that I was talking to, upon seeing her, left the bar very quickly. Suspicious. The bar was crowded and I do have a flashing memory of seeing Craig, an older man who I knew and who worked at the bar, in the back room. I remember opening the door and walking back there and then I don't remember anything else. Christy said when she went to look for me, she found me in the CLOSET with Craig, with my shirt off. I don't remember any of it. Like I said, I don't even remember seeing Christy. So according to her I went home, alone, and I live only a few blocks away from the bar. I have no memory. I woke up and was really confused, didn't remember anything.

I went and got tested for rolyphenol, after talking to Christy. I was freaked out. They couldn't tell if I had had sex with Craig or not. I've talked to him since and he claimed that we only kissed. He, of course, didn't know I was drugged. I don't blame him but I still feel like a part of my life is missing. I feel lucky that nothing terrible ended up happening to me, that the potential rapist was chased away, but these drugs are horrifying.

I never accept drinks from anyone now and try not to let my friends do it either. The thing that scares me is that I could be unconscious and still acting normal. Apparently I was even more vivacious than normal. I hate that drug. It is so scary. Please be careful, everyone. I know it is tempting to allow people to buy you drinks, but not everyone will be as lucky as I was.

Name Withheld


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