I was born to a 14 year old incest victim (I believe that you're not a survivor if you're still doing victim things). Mom had no model for love. She swore she would never do to me what was done to her. Still, it was a screwed up child for her and she brought the baggage from that into her relationship with me.
She was very controlling and verbally and mentally abusive. I learned to handle this by shutting up and shutting down and becoming passive. If I did or said anything the abuse only got worse. I even took on the "survivor voice". I spoke softly and with a pleasing tone to try to control the situation. I became the kind of little boy who could be victimized and was.
Like most of us Mom would cling to her lovers. When I was eight, Mom tried to commit suicide over a boyfriend and I wound up in the care of a social worker, Kay. I shared a bedroom with her son, Mark who was older than me. One night, Mark asked me for anal sex and being passive, I said yes. This happened about three times. I consider this to be rape because of the age difference and that my body and mind were much too young to handle sex.
I eventually wound up back with Mom and living in a different town. Mom met a new boyfriend who was an alcoholic and we wound up living(?) with him. Because of Mom's baggage, he was also abusive to her. He rarely touched me, though. We wound up moving next door to a family with a daughter, Carla(who I had a crush on), and thier first born son, Ronnie. Ronnie was also older than me. We became good friends played together often.
One summer day, when I was 13, Ronnie came over while my parents were out. We shot the breeze a while before he asked me for anal sex(he called it 'brown eye'). I did have sex with one other boy before then but when puberty kicked in I'd lost interest in same-sex contact. My heart began skipping and my blood began boiling for the ladies. I told Ronnie no and he still insisted and he began to wrestle me into submission after I repeatedly said no. At one one point, he pushed me down and my head hit the corner of the recliner and the pain caused an adrenaline surge. I cussed, got my legs between us and kicked flying across the room. He landed on the sofa with a surprised look and I began screaming for him to get the hell out. He left.
About three days later while my parents were out again, Ronnie came over again. Being passive and submissive, I let him. He started talking how he wound up flying across the room and eventually asked me for 'brown eye' again. Again, I said no repeatedly and once more he began to wrestle me into submission. That attack was succesful(for him!!). After that, he would just ask and I would have sex with him (Let me rephrase that. Sex is what happens between two consenting ADULTS!! What happened to me wasn't sex. Someone used thier body to abuse me. I never liked it. I just did it.) I remember the last time it happened. We were watching a meteor shower when he asked me to suck him. We stepped behind a big bush and did it. His family could've just looked out the window and seen us. I remember the time the boy next door that I sucked his dick like a baby. I didn't know how to fellate a man. They called it 'sucking' so that's what I did.
We moved after that. I never told anyone about either rape. I wouldn't even admit to myself how I felt about all the abuse in my life or how violent the second rape was. I remained passive and submissive. Because of my abuse, I struggled through high school. The few relationships I had were short-lived and always left me with a long-lasting heartache. I became an under achiever who struggled through life. I isolated and obsessed over hobbies and religion to unwittingly medicate my pain. I was afraid of athourity figures and had a hard time asserting myself. I eventually started using drugs and alcohol moderately until I tried the wrong drug one too many times. I became an addict.
Luckily, I was already attending Co-Dependents anonymous for a few years so I was aware of the games people play. The drug world was just users using users so they could use. After three months of active addiction to crack I wanted out. I used my veterans benefits to get free treat ment and free therapy.
The therapy has been a godsend and what I've shared with you has been a result of that. I've been in therapy for a year and a half now and while I've grown some I still have miles to go before I sleep. I've remained clean and sober. And I'm trying to find the courage to reach out to others. I know that I didn't get this far alone and I need others to change. I've joined the fight against abuse through volunteer work and I'm making an effort to go back college to become a therapist so I can help others who were abused. My legacies turned me into a helper. After all, when you've been there, you want to help others like you. May god stand between you and harm in all the empty places you must go.
Bryant L. Chandler III
I just read 96 pages of pure disgust. But it is not at all suprising to me. i don't understand how some people in this world can do the things they do.
Well here i go. I am 17 now and i was 15 when it all happened to me. My parents would always fight and i did not ever have a very "happy home life" I played softball and always put my heart into how i played. It was my 8th year of playing and i had a new coach. It was just a summer league that i had played for my whole life. Well this coach, his name was scott. He was always fun and exciting. He had a daughter on the team also. She mostly kept to herself though. And his wife was the person who kept score. I had so much fun that season. I was always told by scott how "Coachable" i was and how good i was. Which always made me feel good. As the season was coming to an end he asked me if i wanted to work for him at his business. He knew i had a job at an ice cream place that i hated and said he would pay me 6 dollars and hour with no taxes. Well at 15 in a small town in Pennsylvania that was damn good. So i took the job. It was at a graphic design T-shirt shop called solar arts.
So as time went on i would go on trips with scott. To deliver things and it would only be him and i in the van. His wife was the only other employee at the shop. She would stay there at all open times. Scott always said what a big help i was. It made me feel very good and i got along with him very well. The trips began to get more frequent and we became closer. i would tell him about my parents and my older sister giving me problems and he would tell me all of the problems he would have with his wife and stepchildren.
Well one day on one or our trips he said to me "There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone and he felt that he was in love with me" I was so suprised and did not know how to react. I did not give a response right then. And he told me he didn't want one. That he wanted me to think about it. Oh yeah this man was also 35. I thought about it for a while and at first i was like hell no! A 35 year old man, married and has kids. I felt that there was a huge stop sign on his forehead. So i told him that. Well he did not accept it. He acted as though he did but would at any opportunity touch me. and try to kiss me. he bought me a necklace. told me how much he cared for me and always would ask me if i cared for him. and i did and i would tell him so. and then he finally got me to budge. after about a week and a half. i told him that i loved him back.
Well then he began kissing me whenever he could. It got to the point that we were NEVER in the office. We would drive to lake erie and just sit on the beach. He made me feel so special. I thought that he was the only person who cared for me in my whole life.
My mother began to realize something was going on when i would constantly talk about him. And i had very strict parents. And i would always through my teen years be rebellious towards them. My mother and i were fighting one day about me going to the fair with scott and my mother would not elt me go. I threatened to kill myself. I flipped out. I cried and cried. Then my mother came down to the room i was in and said to me, "You are in love with him" i looked at her in tears and did not say anything. She then called him on the telephone and had him come over. He sat at my dinner table in my house and told my mother that he was in love with me. he said that nothing sexual would ever happen until i was 18. my mother had a flip out fit! she mad ehim leave before my father came home because she was scared of how he would react.
Well through all of this i did not learn my lesson. i still felt that he was the only person who i cared for. i had one other friend at the time who would lie for me so i could go and see him. he always told me how much he loved me and how he was going to devorse his wife but he was scared to lose all of his money. Oh yeah my mom also made me quit working for him immediatly.
Well i was a virgin. And somehow that bastard manipulated me into having sex with him. I would lie to everyone about me and him. accept for my one friend who would always lie for me. He would write me email. i would delete them immediatly. he would write me letters i would burn them immediatly. i had to give him the necklace back he gave me. So he would not get caught. i would sneak out of school by telling the nurse that my father had a new cell phone and they would call scott and he would say he was my father. and would pick me up at school. This happened from August 27th of 1999 until november 20 of 1999. Scott would tell me lies all of the time. My mother knew this was happening in her heart all of this time. And wanted to stop it some way. but she couldn't. i would be in a constant state of depression. Scott went to the police befor my mother did after my father went to talk to him about everything. Scott said he was scared for his life that my father threatened him. He told the police that they would be getting a report from my family. And he told the police that he knew that the officer would do the right thing for him. Well the next day my motehr did go to the police and talked to the same guy. My mother knew him from a long time ago. And he would ask me if i was having any type of sexual relation with scott and i would lie. i always told them no. until decepber 20th of 1999. Scott had bought me a pager so he could communicate with me. so he could tell me he lvoed me and that he was thinking about me. I called him ALL the time. and to this day his wife claims that all of this never happened. She KNOWS that all of this happened. I would call his house and she would answer. she would be sitting in the room when i would be talking to him. she heard the things he said to me. One day when i got out of school by the nurse scott and i went to a hotel. There were many many times that the sex happened. I came out because scott had told me that he would drop me, drop my family simply to protect his own ass. and this in my head was the end. at that point, hearing those words come out of his mouth i had snapped out of it. But i was too scared to do anything. Until that same day i came home from school and heard my mom put on a tape. well she put a tap on my telephone and told me that she could use this in court and that it was over. That night i came out and told the truth about everything. Well everything was on those tapes but of course they are not alowed to be used in court. my family all came together as of that moment. Scott got arrested and thrown in jail the very next day after getting a warrent out for his arrest. I searched everywhere for evidence. but i had deleted and burned it all.
As time went on i had to testify in a preliminary hearing in march of 2000. He pleaded not guilty to all of the charges. and it was sent to a higher court. Well just last week i had to testify in the second court hearing where a jury was present. The charges were 8 counts of sexual stagitory assault and 1 count of corruption of a minor. after going through 3 days of this trial. and it beign almost 2 years after all of this happened, it was soo hard. But me being the first to testify and remembering everything that i needed to and seeing his lawyer make a fool out of himself i felt like i had overcame the greatest battle of my life. And i didn't cry when i was up on that stand.
The main time that the district attorney was hitting on was the time of the hotel. There was concrete evidence. He and his wife had made up this lie that he was with her and that they shut down the business to go there and he dropped me off at a park all by myself. The jury knew it was a bunch of shit. Listening to the whole trial i didn't cry until the closing argument of the District Attorney. He brought everything together and put it in front of the jury. It was the first time i had heard what had happened to me through another persons heart. And he put his heart into it.
On day three after about 10 different people testifying, the jury finally got to deleberate. after 2 hours they finally came up with a verdict. He was found not guilty of 7 counts of sexual stagitory assault and guilt of 1 count of sexual stagitory assault and guilty of 1 count of corruption of a minor. I immediatly started balling. I could not control myself. i didnt know what was harder, him getting off of 7 counts or found guilty of 2. He is not sentsnced until April 23 of 2001. It is a maximum of 15 years and a minimum of 5. All i want is for this man to stay away from me. I am sick of being to scared to look behind be for fear of him being there. i have major issues trusting men. I have not had a relationship with a man since.
I was completely exploited from my life. I was rushed out of my childhood and forced to mature into a woman to too young of an age. I never thought that something like this would ever happen to me. I was manipulated. And i have to say that i wish i would have knew about these things happing to people before i had to be victimized. Before being robbed from my childhood. My parents blame themselves. But it is not their fault. It is this bastard named Jon Scott Pyle.
Through all of this horrable incident i have learned so much. I have developed a new interest in the law. And i have realized how much i hate it. How much it favors the perpetrator. I have met some of the greatest people. My psychologist, jan wooliscroft, a legal advocate from womens services, Belinda Razca who was there for me every step of the way and i will never be able to thank her enough. The District Attorney of crawford county, Francise Shultz. All three of these people did more than just there job through all of this. They went that extra step that has helped me to be a survivor.
I also want to thank Tori Amos. Her RAINN hotline has helped me through so much. I never called but simply the internet has helped me. Also all of her music. Some day i wish to meat you. i cry every time i hear the some me and a gun.
I hope people can learn from my experience. I am not the victim anymore i am the SURVIVOR! THANK YOU FOR LISTENING!
My name is Emma and I am 20 years old. Iwas recently raped by some guy that I thought I trusted. Iwas at a friend's house and there was a big party going on. My best friend, June, went to talk with her other friends. I went upstairs to use the bathroom. When I came out, a guy accidentally bumped into me. After that we started talking. We went into my friend's room and talked some more. This is where I made my first mistake. We started talking and the guy asked me if I had ever kissed a guy before. He suprised me when he kissed me, but I didn't push him. He frenched me. I was pushed back gently on the bed and the guy unbuttoned my shirt. He put his hands inside my bra and on my breasts. It felt good. The guy took my hand and put it down his pants. I tried to fight back, but he raped me. I am now on anti- depressants. I wanted to kill that slime bucket, but I haven't told anyone.