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Survivor Stories

a message board for all survivors of sexual violence
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I never thought that I would do this. I mean i don't like to talk about what happened. I really have no-one to talk to.

I feel responsible for something that happened to my niece. She is my niece by marriage but still my niece. If i had been straonger then nothing would have happened to her. It's all my fault.

I guess you might want to hear the story first. Of course afterwards you'll know how come i feel this way.

When i was 8, my nightmare started. I was molested by my cousin. He is 8 years older than me, he was 16 when it started. At first it was just a touch here or there. Eventually it became more. He was always welcome in my home, which meant he basically had full access to me whenever he wanted. He would make me touch him and play with him. I hated it, I wanted to throw up. He would come to my room in the middle of the night. I was the only girl in my family, so i didn't share a room with anyone.

He molested for years. When i was 12, he decided that i needed to know how to have sex. He took my virginity one night. When i look back, i think how could I have been so stupid, I could've yelled. My parents would've heard or one of my brothers, but I didn't. He raped me that night and told me that he could have me anytime he wanted. I knew this was true. I hated being in the same room as any man or male. I thought I was going to die that night, it hurt so bad. He continued to rape me for 8 more years.

When i was 14, I met a wonderful guy, or so i thougt. I'll call him Tim. Tim was wonderful at first. He was a true friend. He finally asked me one night what was wrong. I told him about my cousin. He was so helpful, he told me anytime i needed him to call him and he would be there. We stayed close for 2 years. When i was 16, i thought about killing myself so my cousin couldn't hurt me anymore. He had started to rape me anally so that i wouldn't get pregnant. I thought the pain before was bad but it was nothing compared to being raped anally.

Tim was the there to talk to me and when he realized i wanted to kill myself, he told me I had to stand up to him. A few nights later my cousin came into my room and was going to rape me again. I had hide a knife and i told him if he came near me i would use it. I felt awful, I'd never threatened a another person before but I was happy I had did it.

I started dating Tim after another year. At first things were great. He treated me great. Then things started to change, at frist he would get jealous over nothing. Then the hitting and eventually he started to force himself on me if I said no. I eventually got strang, it took me 3 years to dump him but I did it and I was so happy. He stalked me and would threaten me but I didn't let him scare me. I stood up to him and it was then that I knew I'd be alright.

I know now your wondering how that has anything to do with my niece. Well my cousin tried to force himself on her. He touched her and made her really uncomfortable. I feel that if I had told someone then that would've never ahppened to her. What's even worse than that is that he lives with my brother and his wife. They have 2 small daughters, ages 5 and 1. I'm afraid for him to be there wioth them, but I'm even more more afraid that if i tell what happened to me, that no one will believe me.

I now have a wonderful husband that knows about the abuse. He was the one who told me what happened to my niece. At first he did't want anyone to tell me about it. When is een her for the first time after it happened I knew something was wrong. I asked her and she told me. When I started crying she had no idea that it was because i could've saved her that pain, but I was a coward.

Thank you for letting me tell my story. I would like to talk to someone. If you want to talk to me please e-mail me or im me. Thank you again.

Sissy


I was raped by a stranger late at night while delivering a letter to an ex boyfriend. I have little recollection of the actual rape, but it was confirmed during an exam at a local hospital. It has been 4 years, but bits and pieces of the experience still linger. Lately, I have been feeling very powerless, unable to motivate myself to do the necessary things in life. I am set to begin a new job in a month, and I am plagued by feelings of inadequacy. I don't know if this has any connection to the rape, but I don't ever remember being this anxiuos. My husband has a hard time relating to me when I am just having one of those days and he is the master of trying to solve things and looking on the bright side. Sometimes I just need him to listen.

M.D.


i am 37 years old now, female, austrian and making a therapy of what was happening about more than 30 years ago.

i have been abused by my own mother when i was 3. i rememebr her tongue between my legs and rememebr also this special kind of feeling, between horror and loss of love for my mother.

then the next things 1 remember is the abuse of my grandpa, her father starting when i was about 5, stopping maybe when i was 6,7 years old.

he made the same thing to me, with his tongue and i remember the absolute shocking moment, where the world stops to move, everything is moveless and dead around and i was making my body "hard" as a stone, drying to not feel what happens. but i felt it and the emotions for my grandpa where totally changed, into sadness, confusion, shock, disillusion and pain.

i think, he made a lot of other things also, but i cannot remeber them as clear as this memory.

so i rember when he stopped with his tongue my tears came out, i was crying for my lost "life", my disillusion, my mistrust, my everything, i was crying about me and him. and i was near him, when i was crying and i am SHURE, that my grandma did no EVERYTHING, because she began to wash my body "afterall". nice, isn t it?

The next abuse was with the friend of my mother, when i was between 11 and 13. AND MY MOTHER WAS NEAR, seeing the abuse. It is not, that he raped me, but touching me, i think, is in this case, absoutley enough!

How is my life now: positive, because I NEVER LET THEM KILL MY SOUL! NEVER EVER! But of course i have a lot of troubles and so i am making a therapy now, at least. And i 4 days i will confront my mom with all my memories. So, ....

And i did never take alkohol or drugs and i was able to live very special and beautifull moments!

And i will never let this happen to my children, sweet twins, 3 years old, NEVER, i am to strong for them!

Caroline


Hello, I am not really sure how I should start. It has taken me along time to convince myself to tell someone my story. So here goes. I am doing this because I believe I will help someone who has gone through things similar to me know that it is not there fault.

I will start with what happened to me when I was between the ages of nine and ten. My babysitter started to molest me. What made it even worse was that he was also a distance cousin. He would make me and my other girl cousin do sick things. Like watch movies of people having sex, and play gold fish were everytime we had to draw a card we had to take clothing off. He made us sit for hours naked so he could stare at us and make sick comments about our body. Me and my cousin put an end to that when we tried to run away. He had made us believe that what was happening was our fault. He said that everybody would believe that too. We finally broke down and told my older sisters. He was sent away for a little while, and when he came back everything had changed. We forgave him for what he did to us, even though it still hurt.

Here is where things get hard for me to talk about so please just bere with me as I try my best to describe the hell I have gone through.

When I was twelve my whole world fell apart. My sister starting running away and doing terrible things. I still though about what had happened to me when I was younger. I started to cut on myself. I would use a razor blade to cut deep marks into my arms. I only did it a little, then when I was thirteen I was told that my mother was going to die, I lost it. I locked myself in my bathroom and took a razor blade to my wrists, praying I would die.

My mom survived and things got better for a little while. I started my freshmen year and things were going great for me. I was a straight A student with a lot to look forward too. Then I met a girl who was just like me, she also cut on herself. Things quickly went down hill again. I started to cut on myself almost daily. In november I transfered schools and me and my mom moved in with her boyfriend. I started doing everything I could to forget about the pain that I felt inside. I did every drug I could get my hands on and partyied as much as possible.

In December my mother found out about my self mutilation and sent me to a phycologist. Who then sent me to a Phychiatrist who prescribed celxa for manic depression, and trazedone for sleep. I convinced everybody I was getting better, but I wasn't inside I was slowly getting worse. Then one day I hit the bottom.

It was late in January and I convinced my mom to let me go out with my friend, her boyfriend, and another guy. We promised my mom we would be at her house the whole night, but after I called my mom from my friends house we took off to the other guys house.(I prefer not to mention names if you don't mind). When we got there we started drinking and smoking weed. Bye one that morning I was gone. My friend told me that this guy was into me, and that he was only 18, me being 14 at the time thought that was sooo cool. She and her boyfriend went in the other room to get some "sleep". Leaving me and this unfamilar guy alone. I was laying on his couch so he gave me a pillow and a blanket. I was on the verge of passing out when I felt him crawling under the covers with me. I was like fine whatever because he wasn't doing anything. Then he started to kiss me, I kissed him back not really thinking about it.

I couldn't thing abot anything, and my head was spinning. He started to unbutton my pants and stick his hand down ther and then he proceeded to finger me. He then pulled down my pants and got a condom out of his wallet. I couldn't focus on anything and then it hit me what he was doing. He started to spread my legs and I told him I didn't want to do anything like that. He told me it was fine and kept going I tried to push him away but I didn't have any string. He then pushed himself inside me so hard, that I wanted to cry. It hurt so bad. I tried telling him to stop and pushing him away but that didn't work since he had me pinned on the couch underneath him. I was crying for him to stop the whole time, but he didn't.

After wards he got up and went to the bathroom. When he came back he just looked and me and goes I'm sorry. I then passed out, and when I woke up in the morning he was laying there looking at me like nothing had happened. I got up and went to the bathroom, I was bleeding bad and it hur to pee. He drove me and my friend home and as I got out of the truck he goes You know you wanted it. I later found out that he told my friends boyfriend that I started it and asked for it.

My grades starting falling and I started cutting worse, finally on feb 13 I lost it. I tried killing myself. I end up in a hospital under suicide watch for five days. When I got out I vowed I wasnt going to do things like that anymore, but no matter what happend I just went back to cutting, doing drugs and getting in trouble. Finally I hit my last straw after trying to kill myself again, running away and getting arrested. I finally started getting better. I have never told anybody about what happened that night. I want to tell my mom but don't know how. I will never forget that night. He not only took my viginity but he took my pride and my will to live.

I have since recovered, I am starting my 10 grade year in the fall, and I know longer do drugs, or cut myself. I wrote poetry though everything I was going through and it gives me the strenght to continue everytime I want to stop. I am getting past what he did to me. I am not saying it was easy because god knowes it wasn't. I still have nightmares, and bad days, but with the help of my friends and family, my depression is dissapearing, and I realized that in the end people like him get what they deserve. Even if I do tell my mom what happened I know I will not press charges even thoug I could have gotten him on rape and statatory rape because I later found our he was 24, but that is my past and all I want to do is look forward to my future, and forget about the past.

I wrote my story to tell everybody out there with a story like mine that there is hope, and people do really love you. Don't ever believe that what happened to you was your fault, becasue believe it or not IT WASN'T. Thank you for listening and Know you are not alone in your struggle, my prayers are with you and so is god. Bye bye. Know that there is always hope. Even if it doesn't seem like it.

Tara


I just recently graduated from a small private Babtist college in Minnesota. I was raped several years ago while at school. I was on a group blind date, which is called roomate roulette. Everyone was in the basement of my dorm just talking and listeing to music and I was not feeling well so I decided to excuse myself from my date and went up to my room.

After just a few minutes in my room, I heard a knock. I opened the door and it was my date. He came in and asked if I was ok. I said that I would be fine. It was ackward because I didn't really know him. Anyways, he asked if he could sit down on my couch because he had something he wanted to talk about. I said ok, and we both sat down. He then told me about how pretty he thought I was and how he thought that God wanted us to be together. I told him that he was nice and everything, but that I didn't really want a boyfriend and that the date was just for fun and to meet new people. This made him mad and he said that I was a slut.

I told him to leave and then he kissed me and shoved his hand in between my legs. I tried to yell, but he was kissing me so hard I couldn't. I tried to fight him, but it just happend so quick and my struggling did little. After it was over he said he would call me, and then he got up and left. I just sat there on the couch. I couldn't even cry. I didn't know what to do. I was a virgin, and had never really done anything more than kiss a guy before. I wanted to wait for my husband. I didn't tell anyone about what happend. I knew of other girls who had been raped and the school did nothing. They blamed the girls for leading the boys on. I see the guy all the time. I'm glad that I am graduated and am free from him.

Jenny


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